Thursday 28 June 2012

CRY AND YOU CRY ALONE

I was never going to let go of my experiences at St. Anne's Convent, I made a vow to myself as a young teenager, and I kept it.  I was struggling with religion at that time, I think I actually wanted to believe, life seemed to be a lot easier for those who did.  Even until middle age, I said a prayer each night, it seemed to go well with the cocoa and I could go off to sleep easy. 


A vow at such a young age, was a huge thing, still is, its a promise that you have got to keep, no matter what.  I wanted to record those times, at first with a five year diary, but when the novelty wore off, I would just store them in my head.  Hey, I was a young teenager, and my hormones were going nuts.


My quest to write led me on to study the very heart  of human nature. I have studied, psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, in depth, in my attempts to track down that evil streak.  The part where our humanity switches off? The part where we fail to empathise.   


I tried to look at the people in charge of the Convent.  The nuns, our parents, society as it then was.  I have tried to capture the spirit of the time.  The awful feeling I had of missing out on all the fun of the sixties when the doors of that convent closed. I had made a promise, not just to myself, but to all the other kids too.  I had decided to become a recorder of history, I wanted to become a voice for the people.  In my defence, I was only half way through the Maid of Orleans. 


In the convent I would cry myself to sleep every night, sobbing as I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do.  There is nothing so frustrating as being completely powerless. I knew I had to keep those memories, in a way I separated myself from reality, I became an observer, the cruelty and indignity was not happening to me, it was happening to someone else.  The heroine from my book.  


Although I had the trial in my head (and book), I couldn't do it in my father's lifetime.  I didn't want to hurt him.  I also did not want to reveal my sordid background to friends and work colleagues. We all have our reasons. 


Believe it or not, I did not want to upset elderly nuns. However, even at the very end, the nuns would not tell the truth.  Had they done, I might have abandoned the legal route, in the very earliest days.  


My lawyer told me at the very beginning, 'this won't bring you closure', but it did.  It wasn't me that was mad, it was them.  As I have spoken to and met up with other survivors, its as though we are peas in a pod.  Our lives have run along similar lines, even though we have had no contact.  'Karen' and I, even had the same red, elephant, place mats.  Our homes and hobbies were almost identical.  Huge variety of books, of all shapes and sizes, and a homely kitchen to eat and chat in.  But we had shared much grief too.


As stories of tragedies unfurled that weekend, my resolve to follow that vow through became strengthened.  In trying to discover others from St. Anne's, I heard so many heartbreaking stories, families torn apart, the warped, unforgiving, ideology of the nuns.  Kids were literally turfed out at the age of 16 and left to fend for themselves.  Most of them had become completely ostracised from their own families.  I know of two lovely ladies who lost over 30 years contact with their Irish relatives, because they were never told about them.  


Most who leave the convent, can often leave those memories behind them, and I am in awe of them, if I am honest.  They are able to achieve contentment and  fulfilling lives.  I always respect those 'who don't want to talk about it', or stir up old memories.  Those damaged by their experiences can still achieve much, but they have inner demons. 


Peter Rands was a narcissistic, sociopath, an ex-Jesuit monk, who was handed young boys on request.  Not only was he house master, he was scout master, mentor, religious guidance counsellor - and advisor to the convent on all things worldy and ecumenical. He was sacked in 1972 after being found with a boy in his bed, but bizarrely he carried on working with children until the late 1980's.  


He was never prosecuted.  Some lay staff from that time have now been prosecuted.  Rita was visited in Australia, by two detectives from Dartford, Kent.  They successfully prosecuted two former Uncles.  Other have since followed suit.


Care survivors, have a shared experience, and I still think of the friends I had there, actually, all the kids who were there, as siblings.  I genuinely care for them and love to hear their stories too. For me there was closure, I felt as though I had been unbound.

21 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. You're unbound? Fgs, it's still eating into you, or is it just your attention-seeking that's doing that?
    You've flogged this book ad nauseum and folk have responded......now enough is enough....the world doesn't revolve about you and your book. How many compliments/praises/acknowledgements do you need, fgs? Any number will never be enough, it seems....because as soon as people move on to commenting about other things, you're back there in their face, demanding more attention. Needy or what?

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    1. Touch of the old green eye have we? Still, of course you're absolutely right when you say that folk have responded to Rosalinda's book, but you omitted to add "by the thousands" . Number 26 in WH Smith's book charts for non-fiction isn't bad for a writer's first novel is it? Have you ever heard of projection? Essentially, to "folk" of your irk it means - "what you say is what YOU are" - Rosalinda's success is still eating into YOU isn't it?

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    2. Hardly my dear, and that makes me laugh so.
      Folk of your ilk have an opinion, and folk of other ilks have theirs. Laughing at the same old arrogance tho',lol.

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    3. Condescension - touched a raw nerve did I? And don't crack open the Champagne for spotting the typo, you still have egg on your face. For your information the word "ilks" does not exist, "ilk" is a plural noun.

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    4. "fgs" That seems like a rather familiar exclamation from a particularly objectionable, low-life messageboard user. How horrible it must be to be such a twisted personality.

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  3. In the entire history of publishing I have never heard an author advised 'not to mention their book'. So I am guessing you are not very bright.

    I am spreading the word about my book, and I am spreading the word about my cause, and hopefully my book can inspire others who have been through similar ordeals.

    This is the latest of many of your 'anonymous' posts, and probably easily recognisable to some of us. Just for your information, I don't believe everyone hates me, I'm not going to kill myself, and I will continue writing.

    No doubt you will continue with your poison pen, but for your own sanity, get help, and maybe resist the urge to click onto my blog.

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  4. My Aunt, bless her, used to say to me in my youth, if you have a talent then use it. She was a very clever woman and did much for the needy through her needlework. I never had the courage to project myself any further than the valuable lessons of motherhood. A blog is something which can be a valuable tool inasmuchas it covers a wider audience once it is discovered.

    I have an author friend, author and artist, he promotes his work every opportunity he gets and why not eh! He is a successful person, him and his wife have been on tv and have had a lot of important spots in life. One of their greatest treasures is a picture of them with Norman Wisdom, he visited their Gnome Reserve and even dressed the part, (lovely chappie he was). I love my friends work but have to admit that I would have missed much had he not sent me all his bits and pieces, it is the only way to get known and then success comes along within its own merits. Julie

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    1. I really do need a marketing guru Julie, I still have that whole catholic, 'modesty is good' ethic, but probably not when promoting a book.

      I am in awe that they met Norman Wisdom! Fantastic man, I too once had the privilege of passing him in the street. It was somewhere in the West End, theatre land. The rain was pouring down, hardly any pedestrians. I recognised him instantly but couldn't say a word. But he must have responded to my beaming face, because he started waving his arms about and saying 'this rain goes right through ya'. It was a magical moment.

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    2. yeah right, lolololollolol, is there anyone you haven't met/come across, anything for a story, what?

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    3. Back so soon! Is there nothing that you won't put a negative comment about on this blog? I wonder why you bother. Haven't you got a floor to wash?

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  5. I used to love all of his films, he was a great little man. Love watching him in Last of the Summer Wine. I can understand your magical moment, he had a great quality of uplifting people, that in itself is one of the greatest qualities to have. Julie

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  6. Boring fucking tripe again lolololol...your parents obviously didnt give a shit about you pmsl .

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    1. Ahhh, but they did. It was a journey of discovery, but I got there.

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  7. Hi Bell.. hey your journey of discovery makes you so likeable.. it takes a big soul to share and to even say that life isnt always easy and to express heartaches and the laughter too.. I believe I have been blessed to know you Bell.. your an earth angel I think.. here to make people think and to laugh at those things that bother us.. now that is a gift when you can make people laugh and smile..xx Bell ignore that horrible person that is being so nasty.. yuck they are really not worth reading their rubbish.. they sound to me like thay have a black heart.. xx

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  8. Morning Bell..

    I must first applaud you on having the guts to publish some of the less favorable comments on your wonderful blog. It is plain to see who they are from. Jealousy is indeed an ugly trait and some who like to say it 'How it is' and her cohorts obviously have far too much time on their hands to want to sit and dredge up bile from the pits of their stomachs.
    I think you are a very brave woman to open your heart the way you have, it must have been a very painful time and reading your book i can see that it was. I hope writing your memoirs has been cathartic for you. It's strange, reading your book it's almost as if you are sat at the side of me telling me your story yourself.

    By publishing these comments you are saying...i don't give a stuff what you think and i so admire you for that but it is also showing what cowards are capable of behind their anonymity. If someone is going to go to the trouble of writing such an acerbic post why not have the courage of their convictions and put their name to it? Nahhhhh, not their style much easier to have a good giggle whilst writing it and think Hmmmm take that, 'you will never know who i am' Ahhh but we do, it's as plain as the pig snout on your faces.

    Bell...you have actually had a book published, you must be so proud as must your 2 lads..Have any of them had one published ? No, just a blog full of bile and not really 'saying it as it is' otherwise ALL comments would be published to get a true picture not just ones that tickle their fancy and smooth their very large Doc Martin ego's.

    AMANDA<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

    XXX

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    1. Hi Amanda. I have loads of them in my spam, similar to stuff they used to put on YGL, when they were using their 'own names', hmmm

      Perhaps I am not so bitter as them, as I did achieve my dream, albeit, it took a long time!

      How are your studies coming along? Your prose is wonderful btw, lol. Have you got a bit of breathing space, now summer is here?

      I was watching 'Educating Rita' - and it felt like the story of my life. I think going into higher education later in life really opens your eyes. You begin to see a whole new world that didn't exist before. You never accept things at face value again.

      As for the old trolls, they must have chewed down to their elbows by now, they have run out of places to vent their spleen!

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  9. Hi Bell..

    Funnily enough, it seems to get easier and easier. I am on my second course, level 2 and having done it once this time round is easier. I am on my last assignment and it is a very simple one because it is about Restorative Justice and that is what i do in my line of work..I am absolutely loving it Bell,can't wait to get up in the morning and carry on, just wish i had done it long ago and not left it so late. I would advise anyone wanting to educate their selves to take up an Open University course. You are right, your whole being seems to change, i watch things i would never have dreamed of watching before, i even watch Question time, OMG lolol.

    You carry on being you, keep that chin held high, you have nothing to hide and no one to justify yourself to. Maybe these people wish they had half the intellect you have, maybe that's their problem, maybe it's all pure jealousy. Who knows, i certainly don't but to seek out your blog in order to write nasty comments is indeed a sad way to conduct yourself on line in front of thousands, all it serves is to show others what a creepy little no mark you are.

    Amanda xxx

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    1. Delighted you are enjoying your course so much Amanda. I remember the excitement so well. You really do reach a stage where there is no turning back. One, rather dull assignment I had to do, was study the history of my home town. Even today, I still point out to people the houses that were built in Tudor times and the town square, where they put the scallywags in the stocks!

      Do you have much contact with the other students Amanda? Its great if you can pal up with someone doing the same course, you can exchange ideas. I can give you pointers at any time, if you ever need help.

      I can't lose the old teacher in me. Was parking my car one time and there was a dozy teenage hoody in the way, when he finally looked up, I said 'yes, you' in my best Margaret Rutherford voice! I scared the bejesus out of him.

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  10. Unless you experience being in a closed door life( CHILDHOOD) you have no idea the effects it has on your future life, this story will have given not only closure to the Author, but opened the doors to the life outside. VELVET ROSE

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  11. I went to St Anne's in the early 1960s and had Sister Angela as headmistress. She once caned me without giving any reason. I also recall having the fear of God put into me quite literally by nuns who told seven year olds that they could commit mortal sin and go to Hell. As I read accounts of that school on the Internet, it seems though that I escaped lightly compared with some other children. Fortunately I did not reside there but went home to my family at the end of classes each day. After three years we moved back into London and for me the normality of a CofE primary school.

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