YA GOTTA LAUGH

Dear Lord, I'm concerned about this 'No Suspect' Sunday.  Some poor sap may be locked up in a Portuguese prison cell on trumped up charges of child abduction and burglary.  I am guessing it will be someone with a substance abuse problem and a very poor memory, because he can't remember doing it.  Nor can he remember if he told his mates (if he had any).  Nonetheless, he will be charged with The Crime of the Century and burglary and never eat a meal that hasn't been spat on again.  

The McCanns will not only be exonerated, Rome will once more prepare itself, this time for their canonisation and we doubters will be confined to purpose built prison ships while the McCann Fund seizes our assets.  They meanwhile, will probably be knighted for services to Charity Fund Directors, and Kate's next book will be entitled 'The Perfect Parent - How To Be Like Me'.  Gerry will be appointed Witchfinder General Head of UK Press Control, and all future news will come from the McCann Broadcasting Channel.  Only stories that urge donations to The Fund and tales of fluffy wuffy bunny wabbits will be considered.  Madeleine's image (toddler) must serve as a constant reminder to donate.  The best form of justice for the child is to ensure her parents live well. 


Of course, the only place all of this can occur (we hope) is in McCann Cuckoo Land.  Its inhabited by loopy people walking around with candles and the self righteous.  On the plus side, it has a dedicated section for the criminally insane and a hands on Vicar with a special liking for spirits.  All are welcome, the deranged especially, if you can't donate cash, donate hours, use your free time to spit venom and abuse at random strangers on the internet.  You will get your rewards in heaven.  

Don't be put off by the air of lunacy that pervades the atmosphere, in time you too will carry a banner of hope and a suitcase full of Madeleine posters wherever you go.  Happy holiday resorts and private hoteliers particularly welcome pictures of a tragic toddler stolen from her bed while the family were enjoying a carefree sojourn.  We do not however recommend these for UK holiday destinations as we do not wish to damage their tourist industry.  Besides, the idea that Madeleine may be in the UK is as preposterous as it is ludicrous.  She is much more likely to have been taken to a location inhabited by swarthy types where she would stand out like a sore thumb, especially with her unique eye.  Lets keep it real.

The truly deluded are frantically praying (that their identities are never discovered) and may even claim they shared in Gerry's epiphany.  They too, were sent on a mission to raise as much money as they could search for Madeleine, and raise awareness of the vital need to continue searching for attractive missing kids worldwide and the constant need for funds.