Saturday, 31 March 2012

CRIPPLING DEPRESSION, the follow up

I use the internet constantly, unashamably (if thats a word?) and being called an attention seeker with no life, bothers me not.  Would have to hold my hands up and say guilty to both.  I would hate to pop me clogs without having said something of note.  I'm that sort of age now.  I want to say or do something memorable, be it good or bad.  At the moment I have only written down my funeral music, definitely Abba's 'I believe in angels' or something like that.  I wanted to include an Evita 'You Must Love Me' sung by moi, but no matter how many ways we tried, I still sound like a cat being strangled, and I think my version of 'I believe that the heart must go on' might well bring the house down.     

Its true also, I have no life.  Not saying that for the sympathy vote, just being honest.  Would truly love to be telling you about  a moonlight supper with Brad, or a trip on the Orient Express, but most days the highlight might just be BOGOF offers on chocolate down the co-op.  I look forward to the day when I get there in time for the croissants....  and will give a detailed account of the orgy of gluttony (I'm having 3, might not get there again for a long time) and Jeremy Kyle watching session that en sues. Watch this space.


But I digress.  I felt really hurt on reading another blog today.  Again, not for myself, when I wrote my book, I knew that I was laying bare my soul, I was Faustus!  I was hurt on behalf of those who were brave enough to share their own experiences.  There were shots too, at those who use the internet for an inordinate amount of time.

Lets me tear your argument down, one by one.  I have no doubt whatsoever that there are knowledge seekers out there, just like me.  I don't know about the rest of you, but with google, I feel as though I have been airlifted into an endless resourse library, where the answer to our every question is just a click away.  It warms the cockles of my heart to see our very own Granny Cherub getting so much pleasure from the web and passing it on to others.  Maybe there is something about the Scots, my own beloved Dad, would have been just the same. 


I honestly do not see the shame in seeking company - wherever that might be!  Admittedly, I was an oversubscriber to the Samaritans and Women's Aid, so I fully understand the need.  Especially for we insomniacs!  You Stepford people might have ideal friends and families, but I bet few of them want to discuss Erik Von Danegan, the 9/11 conspiracy or the meaning of life at 4.00a.m. 

Happily we do have contributors who live normal lives, I think it helps to keep we nutters, sane(ish).  Somehow they always managed to make us laugh at ourselves and carry on.  I am not ashamed to say, that for many times it was a real life saver.  In life, I have lost those I would have turned to for advice and consolation.  Yeh, yeh, I know, its my own fault for being so antisocial, blah, di blah.  Many times the board was only way in which I could communicate, yes, I am that sad.  So what?  

For me the YGL board was reminiscent of those wonderful girly nights when you all got dressed up like dogs dinners with your mates, and got sloshed before you hit the town!  Everyone should have those memories!  Some of us have faced all sorts of medical and old age stuff, that we haven't wanted to share with our friends or family, because we love them, and we don't want to worry them.  An anonymous board, among our peers, should have been a place for shelter.  What a shame that it was not. 

But I digress, we have all lost those we loved, our soul mates, etc, and if could find a sympathetic ear, or just someone to sing Oh Danny Boy with in the wee small hours, what the hell, it was harming no-one. 

14 comments:

  1. I would like I had dream at my funeral

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    1. All one day i fly away

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  2. ((((Bell)))) I understand your loss of a soul mate.. xx

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    1. Thanks for that Sue. I lost my lifelong best friend not so long ago, and still feel the loss. There is much about her in my book. We weren't gay, but I just thought we would grow old together, in a place where we could row, avoid each other for a few days, then have a giggle and start all over again.

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    2. Should add to the above, I am now on the look out for a acid witted, academic gay fella, whose interests include fine dining, a respect for privacy and cupcakes. ....... well you never know who might be looking in, a heterosexual might be ok, as long as they couldn't be bothered with all that sort of thing.

      Ps. On reconsidering, will stick with gay, because they will probably make sure the place stays clean and tidy and discuss the Oscar dresses and the wonders of Clinique for older skin.

      .......ooops, just musing.

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  3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM1Cqa9iTME

    xxxx

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  4. well I quite often feel depressed and to-day is no exeption so I log onto bells blog and after reading it,and some of the replies I now feel a lot better .

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    1. Many of us have lost life partners in one way or another, and if you were both manic depressives, it could be months!

      I am so pleased it makes you feel better, a reply like that makes my day. My favourite all time literary character was Uncle Dynamite, whose philosophy in life was to spread sweetness and light. Not that I could compare myself to that great icon, but he was always the one who made me laugh the most.

      Unfortunately, I also like Jekyll and Hyde, so its back to the shrink's couch, lol.

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  5. Bell, give yourself a slap across your legs and then a good talking to...tell me why you would be thought of as sad doing something you enjoy? I used to sew on my sewing machine for hours on end, now some would say they think that would be so boring and sad..I've never seen it as sad..is a painter sad because s/he locks themselves away and paints for days on end? Is it not a case of whatever your doing with your time and you enjoy doing it is -- NOT SAD --if it's bringing pleasure..and I think that communicating with other people is one of our natural pleasures in life..there's nothing sad about not having a group of friends in our face to face world..years ago zillions had penfriends..it's a way of communicating with people and puting your trust in them and the HUGE bonus is ---you dont have to clean the house and get the coffee and biscuits out for them either...we all need people in our lives aside from our children and grandchildren and even if you had a soul mate I think we STILL need other people whom we can not just talk to-- but to listen to...they need you as much as you need them and it's so bloody interesting hearing about other people's lives. Bell, you have written a book...now I think that is VERY INTERESTING...it takes courage and determination and discipline and flair to do that, as well as a good story to tell and I'm waiting another few weeks to read your book..and one for my 3 daughter in laws, who are all intelligent profession women---but I want them to have a laugh with you and a cry with you and I just know they will because it is communicating with someone --and like I said...that is always going to be a pleasure. ...Annie.
    /

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    1. I think you would have been great pals with my Dad, Annie, he was a Scot who loved his whisky and would say 'och, away with you' whenever I whined (often, I am a drama queen, lol). He had a knack for bringing me back to reality too.

      Why do we allow other people to make us feel guilty for a harmless pastime? For myself, I wonder if it is the remains of the catholic faith nagging at me. How can you be sitting there wasting time like that when you could be washing down the skirting boards or chanting a few Hail Mary's?

      The wonderful replies I have received encourage me to go on, cannot agree more, that talking to others and hearing about how they cope helps so much.

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  6. My circle of friends has somewhat dwindled too Bell, mostly my own doing, I'm terrible at keeping in touch and not getting out much doesn't help (yep moaning about my health probs again lol) I'm kept very busy with family though especially the grand kids who seem to spend more time here than they do at home lol.

    I think I have the heart of a writer but not the discipline to do it properly, whenever something bothers me I write it down, I have loads of exercise books hanging around with my scribbling's in (must remember to get rid at some point before I snuff it, god knows what my family would make of them lol) and the message boards, forums and blogs gave me an outlet where I could waffle away, not always well received I admit, was accused on more than one occasion of writing long boring posts but it made me happy so what the hell and I didn't force anyone to read my drivel did I lol.

    Its a shame that those who also used the boards have suddenly now realised that it must have been beneath them or they didn't matter, 5 years of interaction by hundreds of posters suddenly needs to be forgotten, I have some very fond memories of the boards even some of the bad bits were funny in retrospect, I don't feel any shame in being part of them, I have moved on from all the nastiness that was on them but that doesn't mean I'm never going to mention them again or the people who posted on them, I don't see the point though in bringing up past misdemeanors we were all guilty of those from time to time and life's too short to keep carrying grudges, you keep posting about the boards for as long as you want Bell I enjoy reminiscing.

    ps. havent ever though about what I would like at my funeral (dont want to tampt fate lol) but think it would have to be something like "the chicken song" would much rather people were laughing than crying lol must thank Cherub for finding it though and in case you didnt see the link have a look at this.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-mgwNWvn20

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    1. Bell SCREAMING!!!!! Do not dare throw away any of your scrawlings - they will be of huge interest to your family and future generations to come. Your posts are great, I am loving them Bev, and I know that others are too. You have a way of engaging your readers.

      Family history is usually carried on down through the female line for some reason Bev, through old wives tales, etc. I can only urge and encourage to keep going. Everything is valid. I used to buy hardback A4 pads from Asda (99p)and scribble until the wee small hours. Who knows your diaries or your stories or whatever might one day be a bestseller. Its good to have a dream.

      Will take a peek at chicken song, but hope I don't regret it, lol

      Totally agree on the YGL, it was a place we shared and enjoyed for many years, or we wouldn't have kept going back. It would be like meeting up with a group of old friends and saying 'schhh, no-one mention the past' - how absurd, doncha know......

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  7. Hi bell.....I love reading your blog, you were the first person that i know, Albeit from the YGL that did one as far as i know...Why do you say you have no life ? as far as i can see, you have been successful in writing a published book, you have been successful in raising two lovely boys and you have been successful at getting yourself educated, so why pull yourself down..As far as i can see any other blog knocking about is maybe to purely have a go? jealousy? i don't know but why oh why the attack? again i don't know.

    We have all had our ups and downs BUT i never forget a kindness, a supportive word and a good laugh which is what you have given me time and time again, along with the tellings off lol...Don't you worry about nothing, you are doing something worth looking at, and an interesting read, not many can do that ;) yes i am rambling but what the feck lol...we all have our crosses to bear, our own troubles so to speak.

    The YGL board was somewhere were we could laugh cry let off steam, what ever but it did the job at the time, can't say i miss it or do i. i can say there are certain people i miss but some i am definitely glad to see the back of.

    Keep up the good work Bell, you have always had an eccentric sense of humour, crazy girl that will find her Rasta man that serenades her and paints her toe nails at the same time....

    Amanda xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Ahh thanks for such a great reply Amanda. And feel free to ramble on here any time you like. I write, its what I enjoy doing, it keeps me from sticking me head in the oven (albeit, it wants a good clean with Mr. Muscle at the mo).

      Since writing my book, I sort of feel as though I am now free to say anything. Unconstrained by society's laws. Thats why I love it when people say they are interested in writing, its such a satisfying hobby. Its like running around naked when you have the house to yourself,or is that just me? Btw, not good if you are washing the nets, my poor postman was traumatised.

      That people enjoy reading my stuff, is a huge bonus and I know there was much I discovered when I read the replies. The YGL was always a good place to go when you need help, and answer or just a different point of view.

      As for the guitar playing rastafarian, am having a whole rethink on that one. Presently considering a gay old codger, who likes discussing books and politics and who would appreciate my yorkshire puddings. It would be helpful if he had a yacht, because then he could piss off for half the week and leave me in peace to gossip with me mates! lol

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