There's no getting away from it, I really do. I could phone her at 2.00a.m to tell her how desperately in love I was after a date, then phone her and drag her out of bed again a week later, weeping and wailing becaused he hadn't phoned me. She would groan and say 'hang on while I get me fags' and then I would hear her falling over the coffee table trying to find the light, she was a clumsy moo, bless her. It was before the days of mobiles. Like myself, she knew the situation had to be looked and examined in at least a 1001 different ways:
a) He may have lost his phone (the one hoped for)
b) He may have laryngytus and developed warts on his finger tips
c) He may have left the handbrake off his Lamborgini and invertently broken all
his limbs, checking out the wiring to his subwoofers (again, we can only
d) He may not have any credit on his phone (not a good sign)
e) He may not remember who you are (also not a good sign)
f) His ex grabbed you by the throat and tried to pull your hair out when you
went for a wee. should have been a sign.
The list is of reasons why he hadn't called was exhaustive. We checked out all the phone lines, power cuts and all major and minor world disasters until we were left with the only obvious answer, 'he didn't like me' and that was unthinkable. How Big Lynn kept her big gob shut, I will never know. I would do the same for her, I think it was a mutual arrangement. I remember coming home one night to find her crying over her 6th can of Stella, weeping and singing along to 'I'm Never Gonna Dance Again' by George Michael. She had just heard her latest love had been arrested on some sort of charge to do with dodgy motors. I told her to stick with him, he sounded like a good 'un. Besides, it was always a good idea to have intimate relations with a car mechanic, especially one with missing teeth and a tattoo. You never know when you might need one. We were both driving very unreliable bangers at the time. Incidentally, not a good idea to explain to a woman on the other end of a phone holding a screaming child, that you met her husband once in a night club and he said 'call me at any time'. I refer you to f) above.