I APOLOGISE

I apologise for behaving like a Drama Queen yesterday, I am afraid my emotions were very raw, reading thousands and thousands of words about what a loser you are can have that effect unfortunately. 

I wonder how these people have the time, or indeed the inclination, to psychoanalyse and profile complete strangers online and feel so passionately about the destruction of said stranger, that they are determined to get the rest of the population to join in with them. 

First we have the call for 'Jihad' by Tony Bennett against me.  He demands that the anti's unite to cast out the evil that is Cristobell.  In another life he would probably have been an Ayatollah, perhaps he doesn't hate Islam, so much as envy it?

Then we have Lazzeri, possibly a 'sock' of Tony Bennett, who has abandoned her pursuit of justice for Madeleine, to take up her new pursuit of Justice for Bennett and the universal condemnation of Cristobell.  Followed up by tigger who gives an indepth analysis/forensic linguistic interpretation of what a bitch I am, why, and sound reasons for everyone to buy a bag of rocks. 

I shouldn't have read it all, for that I blame myself, but its almost impossible not to.  And yes, it hurts like hell, because no matter how kind and compassionate the 'sane' people are, what you are left with is 'Go Away, Everyone Hates You'.  It reduces you to the lost angry, little girl or boy that you once were, the one the world doesn't understand and you don't know why, all you are left with is tears of frustration.

Tis no secret that I suffer from manic depression, perhaps I should never have spoken about it publicly because it attracts 'trolls' and those who get enjoyment out of making others suffer.  But I speak about my own depression so graphically and honestly, because I hope that it will strike a chord with others who have felt the same, and then I use humour to diffuse it, because that's what works for me.

I did the Sun interview, because I have worked damned hard this year to regain my physical and mental health, and I felt strong enough to face the fall out, which of course, I knew was inevitable.  The fact that the trolls could get to me at the peak of fitness is worrying, God help anyone they turn on who is feeling low. 

I also did the Sun interview, because everything I write and say, is based on honesty and integrity.  It enables me to sleep at night and face myself in the mirror.  I know for a fact that the 'enemy' (whoever that might these days) would not be able to find a single tweet, blog or statement made by me that would fit the description of 'troll'.

Yes I am a Drama Queen, as a child I was a 'Little Madam', and always the first one to challenge anything I saw as an injustice.  And yes, it has got me into trouble all my life, but I am not going to change now and I don't really see why I should.  I am what I am, and finally at peace with myself, the struggle to be something I'm not (Stepford Wife) wrecked my physical and mental health, so no, I won't be taking up knitting despite the 'kind' suggestions. 

My apology is to the kind, decent people out there, who were astute enough to recognise another person 'in trouble' and who swiftly came to my aid, I am sorry that I scared them, and I can't thank them enough, the world may be full of trickery, but it is filled with virtue too.  In the words of Michelle from CBB, Good Can Win.

For today, I am going to avoid twitter and everything malevolent so I can get things back into perspective.  I'm going to make some good wholesome soup (carrot, parsnip and ginger), followed by my latest 'alternate cream cake' creation, a meringue stack.  Actually, not so much a stack as tower, meringue, squirty cream fruit, meringue squirty cream fruit etc, which I intend to dive into face first. :)