Saturday, 22 February 2014

THE ALTERNATE ADVICE COLUMN - or what your Mother and Majory Proops never told you.

Dear Cristobell,

Q.   I think my husband is having an affair, what should I do?

A.   Contrary to popular belief, an extramarital affair on the part of the husband, can be one of the most fulfilling times in a woman's life, a time in which to set future parameters and get the kitchen she always wanted.  She can have wild passionate sex with a partner who is currently basking in the belief that he is God's gift to women, should she choose, or she can send him to the sofa and have the bed all to herself.  I think a mixture of the two carries an extra sting.

It is a time in which to catch up with all her mates, especially the best friend who will drop everything to share an evening of dissing men, getting drunk, and singing I will Survive.  It is also a good time to have a few girls nights out, while the Perp stays home minding the kids.  The guilt that is tearing him apart will spur him into handing over cash, and saying (through gritted teeth) have a great time.  

The amount of punishment is really a question of individual taste. Some may consider it churlish to say I would have preferred Belgian chocolates when handed an elaborate bouquet, but remember we are setting future parameters. An offer to return to the garage should be gratefully accepted as it allows time to grab the remote and the best spot.  I am sure many grown men have cried watching Gone With The Wind as their mates watched the World Cup, but probably not because Rhett left Scarlet.

It is unlikely your husband will leave permanently, but sadly, it has little to do with love.  Like any male of the species, they have marked their territory. Roaring lions settle once they have found their slippers, their cardi, and their food providing lioness.  What the lioness does with her straying mate is up to her.  While the old beast might have enjoyed a spot of temporary preening, he will forever wonder why his other half never stops grinning.  

Should you require alternate advice I am happy to assist, just address your queries, Dear Cristobell. :)


  1. LOLOL love it xxxx

    Check your aol email (also spam box just in case!)

    Jo xxxxxxx

    1. Jo, I am at, would love to hear from you! xxxxx

  2. lol bell another good laugh xx gracelandann

    1. Hi ya Ann, always cheers me to see your name! Have met up with Sherry again, she on fb and Kath! :) xxx

  3. Or she could just divorce him, why stay with a cheat she could never trust? She could even have the remote control to herself for ever and buy her own chocolates and still see her mates whenever she likes. A better option imo.

  4. I'm in hysterics after reading that, just a pity I didn't think of the examples you've given, after finding out my husband had been having an affair with his secretary. It would be great if you wrote a book, to help all us downtrodden wife's get our revenge!!!

    Thanks for the laughs