Tuesday 27 October 2020


 In response to Unknown, 21 hours ago, I didn't publish you on the previous blog, mostly because there are too many comments there now, but also because your post amused me.  So, herewith, verbatim, I had to write it out in manuscript (still can't c/p) and retype, so herewith:

'Ros, you are incapable of defending your views and that's why you bin many comments.  I never use vulgar or abusive language. Shame on you'.

Let me respond to the second part first.  Err, well done on not using vulgar or abusive language. Take a bow.  No, your modus operandi is hurt and degrade, arguably, the nastier choice for abuse.

To the first part.  I am happy to defend my views against anyone, bring it on.  Have been saying this for the past 13 years!  I think I am despised by the antis as much as the pros.  Probably because I unmasked many of them, for the phonies they were.  As for the pros, the truly psychotic ones who posted on the Myths sites, Tigerpussy or whatever his name was, I slayed the lot of them.  They were so bad at dissing me, even I couldn't be arsed to read it, and I love reading about myself! Lol, even the bad.

So here we are October 2020, in a pandemic that has gone on for 8 months and getting worse.   On the Madeleine McCann case, what views do I need to defend?  We still have free speech, I'm allowed to have any views I want.  Happily, as much as they tried, the McCanns and all their cohorts were not able to bring in legislation that would take away free speech.  They stopped books being published and newspapers from reporting facts, but they have never been able to silence social media.  I don't think it should be forgotten how hard they worked to silence journalists and put them in jail and how badly misguided the 'hacking' campaign was.  Definitely worthy of a chapter.

As for the defend yourself challenge,  I have easily slayed every creep from the Myths sites, Tigerpussy wannabe and all the rest of them.  And I would say to anyone, literally anyone, from any of the Madeleine websites, anti or pro, bring it on.  Do you think I tremble in fear of the El creepos, Bennett, Hall and Hyatt?  Or indeed, any 'renowned' journalist, ha ha ha, I would love to hear how they know so much more than me.  

Bring it on unknown from 21 or is it now 22 hours ago.  Bring forth your genius and destroy my views and opinions.  Tell me where I've gone wrong.  Talk about the case, not me on a personal level, the evidence, the statements, the truth you think I have misconstrued.  You sound fired, unknown at 22 hours ago, write something cohesive and persuasive, the floor is yours:

Tuesday 29 September 2020


UPDATE:  01/10/20

As expected the poison pen hate mail has returned, and no, it won't be published.  The sheer vitriol suggests someone is mightily mad that I have decided to write and publish a book about this case.  Probably because the Madeleine case has largely been put to bed and stored in the history books as an unsolved mystery.  Of the Blair era, it is just another case that doesn't stand up to scrutiny, but on a scale of transgressions, it's at the bottom of the list, with an illegal war being at the top.  It will remain shelved for the next few centuries until an enthusiastic Sherlock Holmes automaton picks it up.

So why upset the equilibrium now?  Why bring more grief to a family who lost a child?  And it does sound awful when you put it like that, but that writes off all the harm to others to support the abduction story.  The abduction story only worked by blaming others. Beginning with PDL who lost most of their tourist industry.  The Portuguese police who were vilified, the hundreds of innocent posters on social media who were targeted and abused online if they dared say they did not believe the abduction story.

And yes, I was among them, I had my name and reputation torn to shreds along with nasty reviews on Amazon every time I tried to publish a book.  Well I'm knocking on a bit now and these are dodgy times, so yes, I am going to write my story with every eye opening revelation I discovered along the way.  It is legacy time, time to explain myself, time to justify why I wouldn't keep my trap shut, every time the McCanns, the press and every 'friend of the family' (Clarence) released a phony press release.  Should I have just kept that to myself?  

There are still many people out there who want to know what happened to little Madeleine McCann and there are a huge amount of crackpot theories and weirdos who claim to have solved the case.  Most of these weirdos claimed to have solved the case even before the police files were released.  That is, they had already established a motive, some sort of sexual deviancy, and were banging square pegs into round holes to make their freaky theories fit.   These were the ones the media portrayed as non believers of the McCanns, as if we all wore dirty rainmacs and carried binoculars.  Non believers quickly changed to 'haters' and war broke out on social media.

I had been dragged into a war not of my making, and any attempts I made to get away failed.  The McCanns and their trolls followed me relentlessly for years planting false stories and lies to demean and discredit me.  Walking away was never an option.  The pursuit continued, even when I wrote a diet book ffs.  The McCanns are vengeful, they never give up.  I did for a while there, but I'm back.  I supported Goncalo Amaral when he wrote his book, because I could understand his need to tell his side of the story.  I feel the same way too, I'm not the villain in this Greek (Portuguese) tragedy, merely an onlooker who got pulled in.  A bit like a curious cat.  


In response to Bjorn, from the previous blog.  

Yes, this is what I am thinking Bjorn, and I have already begun.  Having been on this case from the start, I am familiar with all the different factions, and more importantly, the agendas and ulterior motives of all the different factions.  From the characters who headed out to PDL when Madeleine disappeared, to the lunatics who imbedded themselves into the investigation via their armchairs and the internet.

I have already written quite a few thousand words already, but I am currently working on the structure.  That is probably the hardest part of putting a book together, the bit that will keep me up at night, lol, But, I am a great storyteller, it is my gift, and I intend to write the book bringing in all the various aspects of Madeleine's case that turned what was probably a sad but pretty straight forward story into a global mystery. Knowing all that I know now, I have, for myself anyway, been able to find a 'satisfying end', a conclusion, a last page.  I am in the happy position of knowing enough about the subject, to explain it simply.  And of course, that was the beauty of Goncalo Amaral's book,  he told his story with honesty and integrity.  It is the definitive book in my opinion, and I would never take that away from him.  

With mine, I have the benefit of hindsight, I could see what was going on outside of his bubble, the bigger picture - the politics he referred to that prevented this case from being solved.  Clearly, it was not just a problem for the incumbent Labour government of the time, it carried on into the next 3 tory governments.  The tories don't have the resolve to fix it either.  

I have never been about vengeance.  I have never had any interest whatsoever in the punishment side of crime.  I did once toy with the idea of applying to be a Justice, but I would have let everyone off and probably sent them on holiday.  I don't hate Gerry and Kate McCann, I find them fascinating.  They bring out those parts of my brain that wants to solve puzzles.  I can't put a label on them.  I can't say Kate is/was a subjugated wife or that Gerry is a downtrodden husband.  Kate is much stronger than she portrays herself, the leaning on Gerry is for sympathy.  Gerry, the opposite, not as strong as he portrays, but quickly knows how to go into alpha male automaton mode.  Their interactions are fascinating, there will be a whole chapter on that.

I was intrigued by the mystery of Madeleine's disappearance, as we all were, we were drawn in by the tragedy of the story and the talented professionalism of those who were selling it.  And I have to give a nod to Clarence Mitchell here, he created a reality show as big as the Osbornes. Maybe it was a joint venture with Gerry, who discovered talents he didn't know he had, but again, Clarence and err, 'keeping up with the McCanns' is also worthy of a chapter.

I will also delve into the paedophile aspect, that was created, possibly on the first night, when Gerry was discussing paedophiles gangs on the phone. I thought that was an horrific first thought to go to, but it planted that seed that there were dark, hooded, predators, climbing in bedroom windows in the resort of PDL.  Perverts using a network of computers to tip each other off, when a 'special' child was left alone, unguarded.  All bo**ox of course - bogeymen remain largely mythological,  though he is blamed of course in too many cases where young children disappear.  The sad reality is that in almost all those cases, is much closer to home.

Then there is the other paedophile aspect.  It differs from the above paedophile aspect, in that these particular paedophile hunters were/are,  accusing the parents and their friends of sexually abusing their kids.  I found those who focused on these kind of odious accusations particularly despicable.  They weren't 'thinking of the children' as is their customary battle cry, they were doing the opposite.  Hurting, in a most cruel and sadistic manner, those small children who were on that holiday, maybe for the rest of their lives, the sick, fecking bastards.  I especially hate those self proclaimed 'language' experts who can pick up perversity in a few short sentences, they bring a whole new meaning to 'shut that door'.   Sadly, I have fixated in my head a group of creepy old men in rainmacs looking for the same perverse thoughts they have in the heads of others.  TB, RH and the creepy guitar strumming bible basher.

But it wasn't just men, there are a lot of women out there too being brainwashed to believe their tiny tots are sexually attractive to perverts.  Maybe CEOP could come out with burkas for ages 1-3, to keep the nonses under control?  Yes, of course I am being sarcastic, but when, let's say, dubious people have control of the dominant ideology, we can be led to believe anything.  In 2007, we were being persuaded to set up a specialist police task force to respond to child abductions anywhere in the world as if they were happening on a weekly basis.  Truth is, they would have been sat twiddling their thumbs this past 13 years because there hasn't been another one.  

I disagree, with Jim Gamble, former head of CEOP, with every fibre of my body that paedophiles are everywhere.  I'll tell him what's everywhere - regular people who have never in their lives had such a creepy thought in their heads.    As but, as you see, although divided, the paedophile factions, eventually come together in agreement - they want us to believe perverts are all around us.   In the social media theatre of war, this put the establishment, the McCanns and every looney facebook page against me.  They all wanted to believe that some kind of sexual perversion lay at the heart of this case.  

On the outrage front, in my opinion, parents (in general) have enough fears without the government adding to them, especially where those fears were contrived and manipulated.  I hated the fear and suspicion that was spread among the public that their children were in constant danger.  It simply wasn't true.  Making paedophiles public enemy number 1 was a great distraction for a government who took us into an illegal war.  One minute terrorists, the next, paedophiles.  And dear little  Madeleine became the child we all wanted to bring home.  For a Labour government who wanted to create a national database of DNA and a legal enforcement to carry identify cards, telling the public their children were at risk was an easy sell.  'Only those with something to hide, will refuse to hand over the blood, medical records and bank details'.  See how easy it is to bring in martial law, when someone shouts 'think of the children!'.

I agree with you Bjorn, which of course I would, lol, that none of the documentaries, videos, books etc, have provided a definite account of everything that went on.  They are all so afraid of being sued by the litigious McCanns, that they daren't even point at conclusions without providing an opposite and opposing side.  I will do the same, obviously, but I'm not going to say, something's perfectly logical when it's clearly insane.  I may well have an entire chapter devoted to 'WTF?' moments, of which, there are many! 

The Madeleine case, more than any other, revealed just how much the mainstream media were deceiving us.  We had heard the words 'spin' and negative and positive propaganda, but we were seeing it in action, in plain sight.  We were not reliant on news from the British tabloids, the internet had swept in hundreds, thousands of new news sources from outside UK borders.  Most pertinently, in the Madeleine case, news was flooding in from Portugal and it was entirely different to the news that was flooding the UK tabloids.  A lot of people found that they were only one, maybe two, clicks away from discovering the truth.

I have not yet decided whether Gerry and Kate were genius publicists of themselves or whether they were victims of the media moguls, police chiefs and politicians who were using them.  I will devote an entire chapter to it.   I am hoping that the time is right, that the McCanns and the legal eagles will not be bothered by an opinion piece.  One of the great benefits I had as a published author, was my book being scrutinised by the legal team at Random House.  It was a huge learning curve, albeit it rushed, within a month, but I learned enough about libel law to steer clear of the McCann legal watchers.  I didn't even get a mention in the Summers and Swan book, for which I was quite miffed.  But truth is, I have never said anything illegal or libellous, Amazon will have no reason to ban me.  But, of course, lol, we shall see what happens.  My journey is no different to thousands of others who were gripped by this case.  That is, gripped by the puzzle solving, gripped by the gossip, gripped by the twists, turns and drama of reality TV on OMGs.

I'm not putting the blame for my obsession on the parents of Madeleine,  Since I have started accepting the blame (absolutely) for every dumbarse decision I have ever made, I have realised the absolute futility of  trying to shift that blame onto others.  I could easily have flipped that front page over onto page 3 and tits, (at that time, lol), but I wanted to know sooooo much more.  Even in May, 2007, the logical part of my brain could not make the facts I knew, as few as they were, into a story that made sense.  And I wanted to, because my dear old mum who I loved squabbling with, had taken the opposing side.  

So, so much I should save for the book, lol.  I am a great believer in fate.  I started my blog because, basically everyone hated me, ha ha, I was banned from every Madeleine site.  But I started my blog, and built up my own discussion board, uncensored and unfiltered, which worked very well for a long while.  I think I reached occasions where I was the most read Madeleine blog on the net.  I was attacked by the head cases, not surprisingly, from both the anti McCann side and the pro McCann side.  Again, I cite that point where extremes collide and find themselves in the same lane.  

I should finish with I am not the enemy.  I am not the bad guy, or gal, a terrible impression the internet has taken of me, because I simply did not believe Gerry and Kate McCann.  I am proud to have grown up in a land where I am free to have my opinion, but for a long time, I had to fight a ridiculous media war where I was labelled a 'hater', bitter twisted, psychologically unstable and regularly told to 'hurry up and die'.  Simply because I had voiced out loud that I did not believe the abduction story given by the McCanns and the establishment who seemed to be in on it.

Opposing the McCann media machine was not a good choice (again I blame myself), but I was not going to be silenced.  Who tf did they think they were?  Famous last words, lol.  Sadly, David beating Goliath was a fluke, anyone taking on media darlings and the power of the establishment, generally gets squished.  Presently peeking out from under a large mushroom that's about to be sauteed. The big question now, is am I squishworthy?  

On the non squishworthy side (saving the McCanns a fortune in legal fees here), I have no fortune they can seize in reparation for their pain.  TB had a house and a few bob put aside, Goncalo Amaral wrote a best selling book (they allowed it to sell for 12 months before suing).  And I make no allegations, nor will I.  I simply want to sell a book based on the knowledge I have and the conclusions I have reached.  A story with a beginning, a middle and an end.  

And on the non squishworthy side, I am sympathetic to Gerry and Kate, I try to understand the predicament they were in.   I don't agree with their batshit crazy form of childminding, a listening method used by Butlins, circa 1960, I do understand their desperate need for a break from kids.  As a young single mum, I literally cried when I couldn't go out.  Whatever happened in that apartment that night was not premeditated, malicious, or, and I can't believe I am having to say this, sexually perverse.   If  you are among those people who think it was, or who think, an accident happened much earlier in the week, then this book is not for you.  The tapas group were regular, normal, if a bit geeky, party of middle class professionals enjoying an early summer break.  PDL was a regular Portuguese holiday village, not a regular meeting place for  VIP paedophiles and swingers.  Such was the rubbish being sold in the early days, and such was the rubbish that continued throughout.  Textusa, some crazy old spinster who believes everyone's swinging except her.  

I must go, I have the writing bug, and that has been missing for a long time..... 

Friday 25 September 2020


 Oh joy, bliss and every happy adjective you can think of, I finally have focus, for my troubled, stress driven mind.  I need to write, and I do, uncontrollably, but I can't concentrate, I can't focus and I hate myself for it.  All you poison pen writers, you can't even dream up all the things I find to torture myself.  I would never advise my descendants to take up any form of art, it is perpetual torture.  Even if you write or create something good, you are immediately plunged into the nightmare of producing something better.  

However, I have now decided to take a bit of break from flogging myself and writing a book about something I know.  And sadly, I do know the the case of missing Madeleine McCann through and through.  Not intentionally or premediated, my involvement was one of those flukes of life, I was drawn in, reluctantly, the lives of Gerry, Kate, et al, meant nothing to me.  I was plodding along with my life, doing a demanding job, looking after two kids, but I had just fought a battle with the Catholic Church, which I had lost.  So maybe it was fair to say, I was a tad anti establishment.

I didn't believe Gerry and Kate and had no fears of saying it out loud, even though I had just had a book released by Random House.  My stance killed the releaser of my book stone dead, but I don't actually blame the McCanns for that even though they were trashing me online.  I'm a realist.  If it had a been good enough, it would have made it.  Ergo, I blame myself, and must work harder.

My memoir, I have to admit, was not a book I set out to write, well not at that stage of my life anyway.  But I got a book deal, what you gonna do?  I wrote it hastily, within 4 months, and with drafts going back and forth between myself and editors and lawyers.  I look back on it as a crash course in what you can say in a book and what you can't.  It was a huge lesson learned.  Never put faith in a publisher and agent again.  My 'McCann Media Wars' (working title) will be entirely self published and edited by myself.

All the advice I have received over the ages, tell me to abandon my writing pseudonym 'Cristobell'.  I can't and probably won't.  Cristobell gave me a voice, a confident voice when I ventured into chatrooms, hostile chatrooms, where old hands tortured the newbies.  It was however,  especially hurtful when I joined book club chatrooms, where I was I sure I would meet soul mates. It was mightily depressing, especially as none of them had any idea as to the origins of Cristobell.  Matters not in the whole scheme of things, but I am fortunate that in my life I have met people on my own wave length, people who can convey, in one way or another, 'yeah, I hear you sister'.

But it's I have drunk far too much Vanilla Vodka (what kind of brave new world is that that has such tempting delights in it?  Vodka that tastes just like Cream Soda, it's almost devilish, ha ha.  But not the right beverage to be writing real life crime novels.  Once I throw up and hit the coffee, then I'll begin.  The only thing I have eaten today is the ultimate coffee panna cotta, I can state categorically that the taste and texture were perfection and even during the projectile vomiting it wasn't entirely unpleasant.  Let me know if you want the recipe.

I have digressed obviously, and my mind is now set on toasted cheese with beans.  Much needed stodge after the stomach emptying.  Way too much information, but I am celebrating tonight.  The literal translation of depression is the inability to focus.  If you can focus, you're going to be alright.  I'm knocking on a bit, and had given up, I had done all I wanted to do, I assured myself, I had my chance and I blew it.  But my chance is still active, it still has breath and a heart beat within it.  Maybe I am not as alive and vivacious as I once was, but I'm not ready to hurry and die as has been wished upon me.  I don't know what the trigger was (I suspect Bjorn), but it's time I wrote that book.

Wednesday 16 September 2020


 I look on the years I spent writing about Madeleine McCann as a journey, a journey I shared with hundreds of others.  Now it may seem an odd journey to embark on, but I and indeed everyone else who followed this real life reality crime were hooked. Gerry, Kate et al, caste their rods far and wide to entice a global audience and they succeeded.  That they weren't able to keep control of the global audience they attracted, was inevitable. As Gerry said, perhaps they were naive to think they could control the monster they created.  

Of course it was inevitable that the narrative the parents were putting out would be questioned because there were so many questions left unanswered.  The story simply didn't ring true and didn't make any sense.  People could see that, and many, including myself, who refused to accept the 'official' story became the enemy.

The 'official' story caste the parents as victims and heroes, whilst demonising the Portuguese detective who originally led the investigation.  It forgave, unconditionally, the fact that the parents had deliberately left 3 very young children on their own in a holiday apartment while they went to dinner.  And worse.  It implied 'all' parents did this, especially English ones and it wasn't a big deal. How could they (the clueless parents) know a child predator was on the prowl that night? The hotel didn't warn them about child predators nor did the local police, ergo, they and the predator were guilty and the parents were victims.

Those of us who have looked into this know that is a load of rubbish. Holiday resorts rarely advertise that they are plagued by child abductors, especially when they aren't, and not unreasonably, they expect parents to look after their children. Gerry and Kate were offloading blame from the very beginning. This I found odd.  From my own experience, I have blamed myself absolutely for every accident and near miss my kids suffered.  And I have cried along with every parent who has lost a child and blames themselves, I hear them, I feel their pain.  I remember seeing an interview with Sarah Payne talking about her murdered daughter.  Her agony was tangible and she made her sweet little daughter real to us in the loving way she spoke about her.  It was a very emotional experience, not just for myself, but for all who watched it.  If you read this Sarah, a big old cyber hug.

Now I know many people say, particularly in defence of the McCanns, that no-one know how they would react to the horror of having a child stolen.  Some admired the McCanns', err, stoicism, others were appalled and cried 'wtf is wrong with them'.  I, self admittedly, am a complete wuss, ergo I try not to judge other people by myself.  But I've seen bravery, heck there have even been occasions when I have been brave myself.  For some reason I equate bereavement with bravery, that is when we have lost someone we truly love, we can pull ourselves together for short periods of time, the funeral for example, to maintain some sort of dignity.  A little break from being a sobbing, vodka infused, weeping heap of jelly.  When I lost my beloved dad, I didn't leave my bedroom for days.  I watched 'Seinfeld' and 'Father Ted' back to back, together with old depression curer 'The Odd Couple'.  One of the best friends I have ever had in my life was there with me on the first night as I drank and talked and cried.  That is a kindness I will never forget.  She knows who she is :), we went to Uni together and I still love her for it.   

I have no shame in admitting that I suffer from manic depression, so it may be that my reactions are more extreme than others, I really don't know because most people don't talk about this stuff out loud.  But I refuse to accept the judgment of those who supposedly love me, and those who outright hate me.  I'm not the crazy one.  Unfortunately the whole McCann debate raised for me, a battle I have been fighting my entire life.  That is, my non acceptance of obvious lies, my refusal to conform to majority opinion, was yet another sign of my insanity.  And of course, this was the Achilles heel that the McCann supporters picked up on.  Added to which, I had a truth telling memoir published by Random House, so they had plenty of ammunition.  'Go take your meds', 'your mother never loved you' was the fodder of the trolls who pursued me.  Along with websites, photoshops (which were hilarious) and nasties telling me to 'hurry up and die'.  Incidentally, all deleted after the death of Brenda Leyland.

I didn't set out to go to war with the McCanns on social media, I responded after much provocation.  In my writing I have a golden rule, one that I have stuck to my entire life, even when I only scribbled into A4 notebooks in the middle of the night.  Honesty and Integrity.  I know how much words matter, ergo I sleep soundly because I know what my words mean to others, I know the effect they can have on other people.  Not because I personally am a wordsmith, but because I have seen the effects of words being used trivially and malevolently by ignorant people and believed.  

The McCanns and all those people pushing the abduction story were presenting a false narrative and that hurt my innate sense of justice, above all else.  I really, really, hate being lied to.  The disappearance of poor little Madeleine McCann, became 90% propaganda for a government seeking a national database of DNA, finger printing and micro chipping and a zealous cop who wanted a slice of Silicone Valley pie and the power to police the internet.  Included in that was the agenda of people who wanted to convince us that pedophiles were everywhere.  Lurking on street corners and of course, on the internet.  Convincing people the internet was a bad thing was always going to be an uphill battle, but suggest the internet was being used to enable child abusers, and they are halfway there.  Why wouldn't you hand over all your private and confidential information to the likes of Jim Gamble, what do you have to hide?

Jim Gamble and CEOP wanted, desperately, to link little Madeleine McCann (not yet 4) to internet grooming.  Their agenda, to prove that the internet, freedom of information and the ability to connect to others, was somehow dark and seditious.  Something that needed a specialist police force.  In a James Bond world, those seeking to seize power over the internet, as policemen, would be seen as the Drs Evil, but before 2010, everything regarding the world wide internet was up for grabs.  

It never ceases to amaze me how those, in the very short time they have of holding all the cards, are so swiftly brought back down to earth.  I would be a liar if I said I didn't enjoy it.  Where is your power now, Gerry, Clarence?  Can you go back to international fund raising?  How about 'Go Fund Me?'  Are you Clarence, held up to media students as the goal to aspire to?  Where is the support, the enthusiasm that you had in the early days?  Gerry, if he had had his way, would have built a world wide corporation on the back of his missing daughter.  It never came to fruition, nor his annual 'Maddie Day', when the public would be reminded to donate.  The unseemly focus on asking for donations offended my sensibilities at once, wtf?  Little Madeleine was lost the first night, when all the vultures got on the planes to PDL, but the Tapas group, stranded and alone in PDL, were already thinking that very same way.

I think I offered a couple of times, to cease the war with the McCanns, but they escalated it.  They went onto Amazon and trashed my book and followed me, literally everywhere, on social media.  Within moment of my typing something, it would appear on McCann supporters sites.  They were using my comments and blogs to get hits, lol.  Such is life, ha ha.  I can laugh, because I am the one in possession of the talent, the pro and anti sites might try to steal it, but it's still mine.  

I make no apologies for the media wars that ensued.  In fact, their hostility emboldened me, the more they attacked my mental health, my crazy childhood, the more they made me eternally grateful that I wasn't them.  Everything I have written, readers will note, is tinged with pity.  

Whilst it is true to say, that in the early summer of 2007, Gerry and Kate McCann held the world in their hands.  They were sympathetic victims (it could have been any of us), they were camera ready and erudite.  But that happy paradigm was never going to be sustainable. Most of the people Gerry and Kate were meeting were buying absolutely their carefully rehearsed, simplistic, story of how their daughter disappeared.  On paper, especially A4 sized and verified by every character in the drama, it was an open and shut case.  Especially, as every character was a doctor or a professional and beyond questioning or reproach.  It's not as if the Tapas 6, or is it 8, were in any way reckless chavs who left their kids to go out on the piss.  Let's get that distinction firmly in place, carved in stone, and beyond question as we go forward.

Now I am a single mum who spent many nights crying into my gin and listening to Diana Ross singing about no-one living her, while all my mates were out partying.  And there were times when I took my sleepy toddlers along with me to pub or restaurant and covered them in a blanket while they snoozed in a buggy.  Maybe I should, but I don't feel bad about that.  What I do feel bad about is the one time, I left my sleeping tot and drove to the shop that was literally at the bottom of the road and back.  I was less than 10 minutes but I have never been able to shake the guilt.

The Doctors McCann and their close knit group of friends made it OK and forgivable to leave small children on their own.  The callousness of their statements, especially one of the mothers of a baby, outraged me, especially the way she spoke about her small child's sickness and diorrhea, it chilled me to the bone.  

I was also appalled that the disappearance of Madeleine McCann was used to distort the general ideology of the masses.  Child abductions are extremely rare.  There is a Wiki page that lists child kidnappings going back decades, and kids who go missing globally, make headlines, due to the rarity!  Those pushing the story that Madeleine was abducted by a predator, was based more on fantasy than reality.  But they succeeded, they persuaded parents worldwide, that their babies were at risk of being abducted from their beds. 

So who was this frightening myth good for?  Police agencies based on protecting kids, charities for the missing, governments pushing for a national database, newspapers who love stories about bogeymen.  A win win all around.  Who was it ultimately not good for?  Hmm, the parents, strangely.  13 years on, they still do not have an answer as to what happened to their daughter.  That is, not an official answer that clears them absolutely.  The appearance of suspects from different parts of Europe these days, means absolutely nothing to old hands like me.  Seen it so many times before and know, beyond reasonable doubt, that there is no abductor.  See all my blogs.  So I guess the answer is no, I don't need to look any further.

Friday 11 September 2020


A continuation of my reply to a post on previous blog on Trafalgar Square , part II.

You are being a little bit too polemic when you say 'powerful' and 'serfs', as if we are two distinct groups and that the 'powerful' are all members of the same club.  Clearly, they are not, we live in a democracy, power is transitory, it is not permanent.  Those powerful in 2007 for example are not powerful now. Blair and Brown are in the history books, though their ideology is resurfacing with Kier Starmer, but that's another debate for another day.  The problem you have 18:10 (please, even an initial will do!) is that you are lumping 'the powerful' together as one distinct group.  A common enemy for we serfs.  But it's not that simple.

Let me give you an example, a bad one actually, because it proves your point rather than mine, ha ha, but here we go.  If the Madeleine story was one big almighty scam, as I believe it was, why has there been no result from Scotland Yard, who have been investigating the case under Labour and Tory governments? A tory government could have torn into Blair et al for the terrible way they handled this case.  But they didn't.  They continued with virtually the same sound bites.  My opinion is, that too many VIPs, both labour and conservative, backed up the McCanns story.  More importantly, so did quite a few top police inspectors.  Added to that you must take into consideration how unpopular it was to question the word of Gerry and Kate McCann. The perfect couple who lost the perfect child on the perfect holiday.  That was the narrative.  Put out not just by the family, but also the government and mainstream media at the time.  Sky News even gave the McCann family their own news channel.  I know because I was watching it 24/7 whilst caring for my sick mother.  We were both captivated by the story and talked about it endlessly, she was 'anti McCann' and I, believe it or not, was 'pro McCann'.  That is, my initial reaction, like that of most people, was compassion for the parents.  To my mind, my mother was a 'terrible woman' (it sounds endearing with an Irish accent), that is, she was always going out of her to 'shock' and squabbling with her was hilarious, for both of us.  When we meet again, I can't wait to catch her up on the antics of 'that trollop' Kate Price :)

But I digress.  I don't think Gerry and Kate were criminal masterminds.  They were ordinary people caught up in an extraordinary series of events, most of them, beyond their control.  I think they experienced a tragedy and were thrown a lifeline from 'dark shadows'?.   Thereafter they, as a couple, did everything they could to preserve their family and living kids, they made a pact, not matter how distasteful things go, we stick to the story.  I can understand the first bit, who hasn't had to make a pact with the devil? But in my opinion they went way way beyond that need for survival and all too quickly into greed and retribution.  Punishing the cop who searched for your daughter for example,  is immoral on every level.

Right now, I am completely indifferent as to what happens to anybody in this case.  I have no idea what the state of play is now, and I don't really care.  I think Gerry and Kate McCann have suffered more than most of us in our lifetimes, mostly from their own reaction to what was going on around them.  Punishment of any kind, is always distasteful to me.  People with a conscience punish themselves above and beyond, and I think those consciences are there because they have tried so hard to absolve themselves.  I believe they loved their daughter Madeleine, of that I have no doubt and they will miss her until their end of days.  I don't think there was anything malicious or perverted involved in Madeleine's disappearance.  Gregarious, ambitious 30 somethings are only interested in other gregarious, ambitious, 30 somethings, not kids ffs.

Sadly, those who 'see paedophiles everywhere' became too deeply embedded in this case.  From both sides.  Both the 'pros' and the 'antis' (not my dear old mum I hasten to add) went out of their way to link Madeleine's disappearance to paedophile gangs, especially on the internet.  Madeleine was not yet 4 at the time.  Computers were seized, freaky allegations were made, especially via anonymous phone calls to PDL's police.  Robert Murat was criminally profiled by experts from Jim Gamble's CEOP.   Single middle aged man, tick.  Likes internet porn, tick. Too helpful to police like Ian Huntley (thanks Sun newspaper), tick, chopped up critters (thanks anonymous phone calls), in his youth, tick.  Enough to make him first Arguido.  

Of course, that didn't pan out, and Robert Murat (rightly in my opinion) was awarded hundreds of thousands of pounds for having his name dragged to hell and back.  Unfortunately, as Jim Gamble pointed out, this is a case that will probably never be resolved in our lifetimes.  Takes a lot of confidence to say that.  By resolved of course, he means 'officially' and I believe him.  Bizarrely, I now feel a twinge of sympathy for Gerry and Kate, when I said they have suffered, I truly mean it.  And no, I don't feel good about that, jeez, I don't ever want to see anyone suffer.  I suspect that since 2007 the couple have lived the best lives they can to ease their pain and to compensate for their, shall we say, sins.  

I may be wrong, but they, even with CEOP's dodgy profiling, do not fit the criteria for habitual criminals.  They don't now, and never have (if you discount their advisors) presented any threat to anyone, certainly not their children.  No police officer has ever thought that, not even Goncalo Amaral.  Those creepy websites should never have received the attention they did.  As I found, getting banned everywhere, they just weren't interested in logic.  They had made up their minds!  The case involved perverts, swingers and whatever sick sexual perverse shit they could imagine.  So fecking dense they didn't realise all the filth was actually coming from their own minds! 

Do I think Gerry and Kate McCann should be brought to justice?  Actually time I think, has a big influence.  Gerry and Kate have had to live with this nightmare since 2007 and I don't see any way you can be at peace with all that shit going on.   Some might say they have been political pawns all his time, beholden to all those powerful people who gave them succour?  Imagine living a life where 'powerful' have control over you?  Gerry and Kate were never arrested but they were never cleared either.  They have been hanging in purgatory for the last 13 years.  The 'powerful' they trusted, have never had the power to give them a clean slate.  Those they trusted, Rupert Murdoch, the Sun et al, were putting them on the front pages whilst simultaneously stabbing them in the back.  See Kate and Gerry posing like Charles and Diana.  With all The Sun have gathered on Kate and Gerry and the extended family they could have had a field day if tabloids ever became popular again.  Now, news moves too fast, who cares?  And Gerry and Kate have probably realised by now, that the Sun only wants them if they can create salacious headlines that will again put them on trial.  I truly hope they see through this now.  

Which brings us nicely back to serfs.  Am I a serf?  Probably, though as a class warrior I have always had an arrogant, over grandiose opinion of myself, I don't bow to anyone, so I've never really been serf material.   I am however, overly aware of what a tiny, tiny, speck I am on the universe.  Now, whilst I am not religious, I change religion every day, and also knocking on a bit, I feel it ever more important to leave my stamp before I go.  I'm making marmalade tomorrow, so fingers crossed.  They are not Seville oranges, so sad face smiley.

I feel a bit sad for Gerry and Kate McCann because losing a child is a sorrow I cannot imagine.  I think they were badly, badly, misguided by all the vultures who rushed to their aid.  I understand their need to survive (I'm a huge fan of Walking Dead), but trying to survive should not in any way, hurt other people. That's the big I cannot grasp.  And they did hurt other people, as a 'tapas' group they pointed the finger  at the innocent Robert Murat.  I can only imagine what being accused of being a child abductor can do to a man, especially in prison.  Where are their consciences in putting an innocent man through such horror?

The hurting others part is the bit I just don't get in the whole Madeleine saga.  I can see that suing Goncalo Amaral, the lead Portuguese detective on the case should  have reinforced the couple's victimhood and innocence, it actually had the opposite effect.  Who tf sues the detective investigating them?  What court, English or European would create such a precedent?  Who tf advises them to use what remains of their once abundant Madeleine Fund to chase worthless law suits?   No Gerry and Kate are not criminal masterminds, they might just as well have had 'dumb' and 'gullible' tattooed on their foreheads, that they kept their heads just above water, is err, admirable? 

Anyone who questioned it was a monster.  But, as I alluded to above, the 'missing child scenario' fitted nicely into the 'powerful's' plan to harvest a national database. Nothing arouses the public's anger more than paedophilia, it is a subject that can make turn a normal, ok person, into a raging lunatic. That is, it is almost impossible to have any sort of rational discussion.  Ergo, if the powerful, the government, the media, the establishment, 'imply' your beloved baby is at constant risk of being stolen by gangs of paedophiles, your response is emotional not logical.  

Thursday 10 September 2020


I was traumatized by the last General Election in the UK and the last remnants of faith I had in human nature, simply wandered off, and I'm not in a hurry to retrieve them.  A Labour Government led by Jeremy Corbyn would have been a giant evolutionary leap for the British people, instead we elected a backward thinking British government negotiating with the progressive countries of the EU?  What could possibly go wrong?  Well as it turns out, everything, we are now a rogue nation who will be sanctioned by every country that signed the Good Friday Agreement and others who are simply appalled.

At the moment, I am typing this while Donald Trump drones on about his amazing achievements in another open window.  I can't bear to look at his face just now, the voice enough, and I have to say, as a 'speaker', he's terrible.  He has a dull monotone voice, no inflections, no highs, no lows, nothing inspirational or entertaining, he might as well be reading a laundry list.  And to add to the boredom, he repeats the same lines, over and over again at every press conference and meeting.  He has no anecdotes to endear him to his audience, because he has zilch in common with anyone, except maybe Kim Jong Un.  The few stories I have heard Trump tell, usually involved someone being humiliated and treated like a dog.  Apparently he and Kim Jong Un bonded over Kim's graphic retelling of how he executed his Uncle - fed to 22 rabid dogs, shot with anti tank missiles or put in front of a firing squad, who knows, but they clicked and fell in love.

As someone who used to describe myself as a 'Marxist/Feminist', gee was I ever that young?  It's probably not surprising that I loath Trump with every fibre in my body, so my next statement, 'I just don't get it', could be put down to bias.  But seriously, I just don't get it.   What is it about the flashy. trashy, faux billionaire that appeals not just to his base, but anyone.   Trump believes he is the embodiment of every blue collar worker who aspires to be rich, like him.  Follow his lead and you too can have a trophy wife and media moguls bowing down to you.  You also get to say 'your fired'.  A lot.  That alone appeals to all the sadists.  

And that brings us to nub of what I am trying to say.   Trump is a bitter, angry man, and he is appealing to the bitterness and anger in everyone who listens to him.  This greedy capitalist doesn't have a shred of philanthropy in him.   At the moment he is appealing to the middle classes in the Suburbs, pointing out to the mean spirited that low income housing and projects will destroy their neighbourhoods.  Everyone knows he means 'blacks', it was the foundation of the Trump housing empire and the subject of many law suits.  As is becoming more apparent every day, he repeats over and over, the limited amount of information his brain can store.

Watching, or more accurately listening, to Donald Trump's press conference this evening (afternoon in Washington), it was obvious that Trump is not well.  Aging Uncles can get away with telling the same old stories over and over at every family gathering, but in the President of the USA, it's just cringeworthy!   I mean, I won't lie, I have been watching US politics like a hawk, waiting for a sign, any sign, that the most evil man alive will be crushed and hell yeah, humiliated.  I hate him that much it will cost 1000 Hail Marys.  But now it's happening, and it is, I'm having to watch through my fingers.

For sure, Trump has pissed off all the Gods, how can you not think there was a bit of divine intervention at the Trump Boat Rally?  It wouldn't have surprised me if a Kracken had popped up because the Gods, all them, seem to be united.  It was a great metaphor for the sinking Trump Campaign.  The polls are in Biden's favour, by around 10 points, but we all remember what happened in 2016, and we here in England know what happened in December 2019.  

But American politics are different, in Oh so many way, but for the purposes of this blog, let's bring it all down to money.  Money, being the answer to every question.  In August, Joe Biden raised $364m, Trump raised $220m.  And Trump is running out of money.  Joe Biden and all his allies (of which there are many) are out-advertising Trump in all the swing states.  Trump, being the odious creature that he is, has pissed off all those genuine 'billionaires' who propped him up in 2016.  Now he is depending on the small donors, those blue colour workers who have lost their jobs and are no longer being furloughed.  Good luck with that.

Meanwhile, this week, hot on the trail of Mary Trump, 3 new 'tell all' books have come out.  Michael Cohen his personal lawyer, presently on sojourn from jail, Melania's former best friend and, drum roll.... Bob Woodward,  just titbits thus far, but promises to be a zinger.  Each book, each revelation, chips away at even the hardest of Trump supporters.  Just how much evil can they defend?  At what point does their conscious and humanity kick in?

Trump is not just a narcissist, he is a full blown psychopath.  Most of us are thankful for what we have, religious people especially.  Trump isn't, he feels he deserves more, ergo whenever he speaks, he talks about how hard done by he is.  He doesn't understand injustice outside of his own personal sphere, it's always 'but what about me?' His campaign, if you can call it that, is nothing more than incessant whinging, poor me, poor me, poor me.  I'm pretty sure Wellington, Nelson and Napoleon didn't prepare their troops for battle by complaining about the bad press they were getting.  He truly is clueless if he thinks that is how leaders act.  

Apologies for my Trump fixation.  I have managed to broaden my horizons a tad by making jam.  It started off as small amounts for personal use, but now it is turned into a small money losing industry, as I am now putting it in jars and giving it away.  It is divine, of course, that is one of the benefits of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), I keep trying until I get it right, lol.  I am aiming for, and have achieved a couple of times, a cross between a jam a jelly and a compote. I want to have it on my Greek yoghurt, my ice cream and my toast.  Should I stumble on the right formula I'll be in touch with Dragons Den!  

Quarantine, corona virus, wise, it would appear that we are heading into that deadly 'second wave'.  We have a new law, no more gatherings of 6 people and over.  The numbers are still very low at the moment, but maybe, just maybe, this time, the Government are listening to the scientists and experts.  Schools all over the UK have opened, but they seem to be closing just as quickly.  As we all knew, and I mean we all, schools are superspreaders.  But Boris Johnson, like Trump, wants the workers, the producers of wealth, back clocking in every day and they can't without childcare.

But enough of me on my soapbox.  My kindest wishes to those who still look in.  Take care.  

The Republican Convention was just bizarre, it will be remembered mostly for the coked off their heads, appearances of Don Jr and his mad as a box of frogs girlfriend, Kimberly.  Trump rolled off his usual shopping/laundry/to do lists in his mega boring, hard done by old man voice, and his 'oh so vain' daughter Ivanka, gave her speech like a female superhero.  The wind gently blowing through her blonde locks, was a nice touch. Take note, for when the Oscars come around.    e.  

Saturday 29 August 2020



Oh my gawd, I cannot believe, otherwise sane, Sonia Poulton is protesting in Trafalgar Square alongside the moronic far Right who demand the right to be infected with Covid-19.  I honestly can't believe these morons have turned a proven form of preventing the spread of infection, into a political issue!  Sonia is protesting 'mandatory vaccinations' and the mandatory wearing of masks, etc.  Firstly there aren't any mandatory vaccinations in this country and secondly, non mask wearers are not being persecuted, they are, rightly imo, just being avoided.

I haven't got the heart to look deeply into the freedoms these eejits claim are being attacked, I just see that David Icke is involved, so I assume it involves lizards.   Are they protesting Boris Johnson and his cabinet of Bullingdon Boys?  Err, no I don't think so.  Why blame the Prime Minister and his coke fuelled advisors, when the odds are Covid-19 was created by Bill Gates, cell phone providers (with their masts) and all those lefties in Silicone Valley.

Boris Johnson doesn't have the brain of a super villain.  Whilst he might in theory agree with the idea of a super disease to somehow control the masses, his private life is too complex for him to see it through.  He looks like a man who is confronted on a daily basis by his former lovers.  But I digress, just stand the dishevelled oaf next to Vladimir Putin and you will see what I mean.

The Prime Minister and his incompetent cabinet have attempted to deal with the pandemic, albeit badly.  We are now down to between 10 to 20 deaths per day, but the rate of infection is still scarily high.  Make note Sonia Poulton and Martin Daubney, the wearing of masks has lowered the 'curve'.  It is one of the most effective weapons we have.  Now, I am not entirely sure if these Trafalgar Square protesters are claiming Covid-19 is a hoax, but I am picking that up as a gist.  To them I would say, why would a tory, capitalist, government shut down an economy?  Were they panicked?  Yes, clearly, but once they realised a long term shutdown would lead to a financial recession, they quickly backpedalled to their initial stance, herd immunity.  Get those kids back to school.  Yes, just like Trump, Boris et al want kids back at school.  Parents make up a substantial part of the nation's workforce, they need schools to look after the children while their parents work.   From a Marxist perspective, parents are chained by family obligations to support regimes that oppress them. 

Those protesters in Trafalgar Square today are, I suppose, demanding that we all return to 'normality', as if Covid-19 no longer exists.  Much like Trump's campaign rally at the White House, the pictures and videos of August 2020 in Trafalgar Square and Washington, will be captured as 'moments in time', maybe recorded as 'the beginning of the super spreaders' that wiped out the world.  No social distancing, no masks.  We are in the same lull as the people of 1918 after the first wave of Spanish Flu hit, many, especially all those who didn't get hit first time around, feel emboldened, they have done their bit, stayed home, worn as mask, washed their hands endlessly and this 'highly contagious disease hasn't affected me' attitude has kicked in.  I'm not imagining it, I am seeing it in people all around me, they are taking what I call 'chances' they would have eschewed 6 months ago.  Then, they would sterilise every product that came into their homes, now, not so much.  

Ordinarily, I am all for, laissez fair and what will be, will be, but in the case of Covid-19, we can actually make constructive choices to help ourselves.  We don't have to be drawn into this crazily false sense of security.  We have the option to say, I'm just not ready yet. We want to protect ourselves, but we are also protecting those we love.   Is it all fake?  I don't know, I don't care.  Even if those lunatics in Trafalgar Square prove to be right, in some sort of bizarro world, I won't regret taking precautions.  I will always sleep better at night knowing that I didn't do anything to harm another person. 

Those 'freedoms' demanded by those people in Trafalgar Square are literally pathetic.  How self centred and lacking of a real cause are you, that your right to infect takes precedence over all those you might harm?  If you have health problems that prevent you from wearing a mask, stay out of shops and public places.  Note that others have the right to safety from you.  Your right to infect is not a good thing to be fighting for.  You don't want to wear a mask, how do you feel about about a ventilator?  Will it affect the gout in your fourth toe, left foot?

Jeez, I truly did not know how much the Far Right has penetrated society, both English and American.  How people you considered normal, are in fact Batshit crazy.  I have, though I consider Sonia a friend, ignored most of her campaigning and activism, dismissing it as 'not my cup of tea'.  Naively, I brushed off her 'far right' leanings, as not typical of the person I knew.  I would have liked to have got into a debate with her but I suspect on most subjects we would have been on opposite sides.   

I don't know who these people are protesting against.  If it's the tories, nobody hates Boris Johnson and his charmless allies more than I,  but 'wear a mask', 'wash your hands', 'socially distance' comes directly from the scientists who know what they they talking about.  If I had school age children, I would not send them back into an environment that every honest scientist describes as lethal, and my heart goes out to every parent, because having been a working, single mum, I know all the nightmares of finding childcare. 

Those in Trafalgar Square protesting the findings and advice of scientists takes ignorance to a whole new level.  Future generations will say jeez, incredible that such stone age thinking still existed in the 21st century.   For whatever reason, the little aliens in the 'For mash get smash' image comes to mind, their laughter at humans peeling spuds and mashing them.  But they won't be laughing, because two of the world's leading powers are following the exact same trajectory as their predecessors in 1918.  Ok, we've done as much as we can, perhaps if we ignore it, it will go away?  The result, between 50m and 100m deaths globally.  

One thing I have learned as I get older and wiser, is that ignoring 'a huge threat' doesn't make it go away.  Ignoring it makes it a zillion times worse, and it's at that stage that you reflect on all the opportunities 'to fix' along the way that you ignored.  Not a happy place to be.  I'm a writer and a dreamer but I'm still here, because ultimately, I am ruled by logic.  I have an inner 'Mr. Spock' who steps in when I start to catastrophise.  I don't believe Covid-19 is a hoax, if it were the hoax, the hoax would be ignore it and cover it up.  A new reality we seem to be moving towards, btw.  I don't know many people who have caught it, but then again I don't mix with people who would be vulnerable, rally attendees, party goers, and social distancing space invaders.  My biggest fear is waking up one day to find that my own social circle are dropping like flies and who's next?  I have watched enough Zombie movies to know how quickly the dominant ideology can flip and it's 'every man (and woman) for himself  (herself)'.  

At the moment I find the protests against masks so trite, I can't believe I am writing about it.  That is I can't believe people are protesting their right not to wear a mask and protect themselves and their families.  Seriously, is that their biggest priority right now?  Their right to infect and be infected?  Those mash potato aliens will be rolling on the floor and laughing out loud when they read those Trafalgar Square 2020 'demands for freedom'.  

It is now 29th August 2020, and I don't how the pandemic and the lunacy of the USA and the UK being held in the grip of Right Wing greed will turn out.  Those countries with leaders who have put the health of their people above their own political goals and the continued prosperity of their allies, have tackled the virus head on and won.  They are returning to 'normal' without fear.  Those who's primary interests are their own finances and those of their billionaire donors, have now discarded any pretence at fighting the virus and have invented a 'new normal', on par with Kellyanne Conway's 'alternative facts'.  They are pretending Covid-19 has gone away.  Step in Sonia Poulton and Martin Daubney, staunch supporters of this 'new alternate reality'.  Why Sonia why?  I really don't think history will treat you well.  

Monday 24 August 2020

I hate Trump - Why? Unedited

 I have for the past few months been obsessed with Donald Trump and the coming Presidential election on 3rd November.   This is an obsession on the same level as the McCann case, the eyelashes and the baking, in that it has completely taken over my life.  I hate that man to the point of lunacy, more than I have ever hated anyone in my life (there is perhaps one other) and I don't just want him annihilated at the election but put on trial for all his crimes.  I often used to wonder what an English woman thought of Hitler during the 1930's, I guess now I am feeling it.

I don't blame the American people, well maybe a bit, because 49% of them didn't bother to vote at all in 2016, and as Hilary won the popular point, it was only around 25% of them that voted for Trump.  That's a shocking statistic, but sadly, in most countries non voters can drastically change an election.   If a non voter stood for non voters, he/she would win in a landslide.  In the UK a low turnout favours the Tory party, in the US, the Republicans.  Rich people always vote to ensure their interests are protected.  Poor people, not so much.

In the US this time around however, I think there will be a phenomenal turnout one way or another, despite the pandemic and Trump's efforts to cheat.  Most people in the UK and US, non voters especially, live pretty ordinary lives, unaffected by the political machinations in Downing Street or the White House.  With the Pandemic however, the failure of bad politicians is constantly in the spotlight, we can see by a quick glance at the coronavirus curves worldwide, exactly which countries leaders are succeeding and which leaders are failing miserably.   All those non voters are experiencing the fatal, devastating results of putting personal greed before the health of their nations.  

England's bad, and I will get to that at some point, but the biggest threat to the world right now is US President Donald Trump.  I go up and down on whether the b'stard will win or lose, 90% of me believes, of course he'll lose, everytime he opens his mouth or tweets he offends a demographic he desperately needs to win over.    He has alienated women basically because he still sees women in the kitchen, wearing an apron and blushing sweetly when he compliments their breasts.  His constant white old men meetings and white old men press conferences, is a better reflection of his attitude towards women and ethnic minorities than anything that comes out of his lying mouth.

So who is going to vote for this guy?  I have done all of the research, if being glued to US news 24/7 counts, and I have surmised the biggest demographic that supports that demon, is white, male, non college educated.  Hmm.  Basically, macho, macho man.  Yeah, I could tear into bikers, steel workers and coal miners, but give 'em a cowboy hat and a bit of ole country music and I would be jelly.  Happily tough men, like it to be known that they have a gentler side, and I wouldn't be surprised if a few good old boys didn't shed a tear when the kid with the stutter spoke up for Joe Biden.  A tough guy recognises true courage.  

I honestly don't think that Americans will vote Trump in for another four years.  Actually, I don't think Trump thinks they will either.  If he did, he would think twice about things like asking the American people to boycott an American product when his main boast is bringing manufacturing back to the USA.   I can't imagine any advisor, no matter how sycophantic, suggesting something so stupid. This confirms, as I have long suspected, that control freak Trump, has taken over everything himself.  He listens to no-one (clearly), he rushes in head first believing that he alone knows the way.  He is at that stage where Caligula made his horse an honoured Senator.

Which brings us to next week's Republican National Convention.  The RNC do not have such luminaries as President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Bill and Hilary Clinton, Julie-Louise Dreyfuss or Kamala Harris, but they do have whiny, entitled kids, Don Jr, Ivanka, Eric and Tiffany who will complain about Joe Biden's alleged nepotism.  They also have have the awful couple who pointed guns at peaceful BLM protesters and the brat any parent should be ashamed of, the smirking kid with a MAGA hat trying to belittle an elderly Native American Indian.   

As a fully fledged Trump hater, I am delighted with the RNC line up. I couldn't think of a cast of more unlikeable, unattractive, zero charisma characters if I tried.  With depression era unemployment, a pandemic raging, and millions waiting for financial relief for rent and food, Don Jr, Ivanka and Eric will tell Americans that they and their father put the people's needs above their own.  Ivanka and the corpse she is married to, made around 80m dollars last year, how did that happen?  But what about Hunter eh?

I watched the Democratic Convention, ergo, for me just now day is night and night is day, lol.  And I loved it.  It reinforced everything I love about America and Americans.  I always think they are way more advanced than we (brits) are, in their confidence and ideology.  Ok, I think it is a bit nationalist the way they take so much pride in their flag and country, but it is tempered by the fact that so many citizens of colour, faith, and ethnicity fall underneath that umbrella. 

It is unbelievable that white supremacy is raising it's ugly head in the 21st century.  I'm sure my dear old dad must be spinning in his grave.  He lived through the Second World War, albeit he was only 10 when it began, it made him Antifa for life.  Donald Trump came to power without any real goals, his 'run' was mostly a publicity stunt to boost his flagging reality show and dwindling empire.  He won because of complacency, Hilary Clinton wasn't going to lose against a doofus like Donald Trump.  She was winning everywhere, it couldn't happen.  Enter James Comey at the 11th hour, with his supposed email expose.  Then the unimaginable happened. 

Even as an onlooker only, I cannot relax right now.  Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are on course to win, but I am terrified of an October surprise.  Not with Joe or Kamala, who I am sure have been examined under a microscope but some 'event' that might set the wheel in spin again.  A hurricane or mass shooting, except no, Trump's cavalier attitude to death and disaster condemns him every time.  Tragedy and statistics do not affect him.  He has no empathy, and today he said it out loud, who cares?  After nearly four years in office, he doesn't feel the need to show any sympathy to anyone, not to veterans or victims of natural disasters or pandemics, it is what it is.  

I don't think for one minute that our friends in America think in the same way as their temporary tinpot dictator.  I read today about the amazing comeback of George H. Bush in 1988.  He was as far back as Trump is now, but he managed to turn it all around.  How, it's along story, but basically racism, George H Bush found a scary black man to frighten white voters.  Trump et al are of course trying their hardest to find pictures and videos of black people behaving badly, sadly for them, their 'finds' are mostly new rap and video stars. 

Trump spoke honestly last week.  'No one likes me' he said, which was like err, yeah, but also a bit sad.  Deep down, that is a very unhappy man.  Bizarrely, he is aware of just how despicable he is. 'Obama and Biden gave you me' he said, as if referring to the 'worst that could happen'.  Clearly he too is still astonished that he is where he is.  

I think he wants to lose.  He has had enough of the boring work he is expected to do.  He has signalled, a couple of times at least, how great his life was before.  I interpret that as 'don't care anyway' for when he loses and a fuck you to his critics, as in 'I've still got super models and gold toilets'.  It's probably a given that he is going to be a sore loser, demanding a recount and appeals to all those judges he appointed.  

History, at least the bits students of the future will click onto, is in the making now.  I wonder even if the USA will fall into Civil War if Trump won't accept the result of the election?  He is already getting the police and military to pledge allegiance to him.  He lost the popular vote in 2016, and there are no signs it is turning to him in 2020.  The midterms in 2018, showed a marked turnout and a massive win for House Democrats.  It brought in 'the Squad' and hammer of the Republicans, AOC.  

Flipping the House from Republican to Democrat and replacing Paul Ryan with Nancy Pelosi was a huge protest vote against Trump.  And that was the halfway stage, when feelings were maybe not as strong as they are now.  Biden will win and he should win.  As an Englander I can't vote, but if I could I would, he is the kind of American known as the good guy all over the world.

I'm actually looking forward to the RNC convention next week, because I am, aw shucks, basically a bitch.  All my studies have made me quite adept at reading beyond the words, especially with dysfunctional families, and especially after having read Mary Trump's book.  I think, for example, that Don Jr is an absolute arsehole for abandoning his wife and FIVE kids for an old bird as grotesque as his dad's latest wife Melania.  

Ivanka is married to a corpse - has anyone ever checked if the mannequin has a pulse?  He's pretty much in the same position as Lucretia Borgia's first husband, ie, no-one really cares, but they are probably all pretty happy to stick his pike on a pike if the situation demands it.   

Will the Children of the Corn stick together when all the law enforcement agencies come after them.  I'm guessing not, they are all the greedy, selfish, offspring of a narcissistic sociopath who have literally worshipped the devil for all their avaricious desires.  They are not endearing to anyone, so, in the cruellest possible way, I look forward to their speeches.

My kindest wishes to all those who look in.  I am happy to report that I am fine, deeply engrossed in my latest OCD (bleeding Trump), but happy all the while I am learning:)  Stay safe everyone.....  


Thursday 6 August 2020


Hello to all the JBs out there, Julie especially who I have tried to email but failed, must go to specsavers!  I am fine, I was simply enjoying a short sojourn.  I have written blogs, but not published them, on the writing front I am all over the place.  Yes, more unfocused than usual, but not in a depressive way.  Due to the wonders of the internet, the best invention in my lifetime, I have been on YouTube mostly, following all sorts of wonderful and adventurous vloggers.  I have always wondered what life is like in Moscow and Beirut, now I know :)

Regarding 'binge watching', 'Ekatarina' led me onto 'The Red Queen', the story of the Russian supermodel Regina in the 50's/60's.  It was of course, a wonderful 'Cinderella' rags to riches story, except even when you get to the riches part, you still have to live in an apartment with your bed in the living room.  Also a dining table which I quite liked, it was great to see Russian hospitality, all the different foods, but especially the ever present bottle of vodka on the table!  Maybe that's why they have the bed handy.  

I feel the good Lord, if there is one, is making up to me all the travels I would have taken if I lived my life again.  Not only can I hone in on places I want to see, but I can, vicariously, with my new found friends, sit and dine with the people who live there!  I can almost smell and taste the food with their wonderful descriptions, less so when the main dish is a plate of raw meat or agile ants on a bed of rice.  I honestly don't think I could say 'hmmmm lovely' to a skewer of boiled fat.  I salute their bravery, and their pallets, but I guess if you are travelling gourmet, you can't say no to anything. And god forbid, you would tell a man standing in front of a furnace with a machete, that it could have done with a bit more salt.   

My love of Russian drama and the last meaningful discussions we had on here were about the 'Eastern Bloc' which set me off on a whole new journey of discovery, cyberly obviously.  No need to read Solzhenitsyn, though I did in the 70's, there are far easier ways to discover what life was like in the Soviet Union.  Solzhenitsyn's book was set in a Siberian Labour Camp, so not much to be gleaned there.

To be fair I have always liked and admired Russians, probably because capitalists didn't. I am a little in awe of them and wish I had a Russian friend, because they seem innately strong and because they are straight speaking.  But mostly I am in awe of them for the way they held out against Hitler in Stalingrad.  I think had there been a Russian 'Highlander', it would been game over for the others.  I also like their habit of randomly knocking back vodka shots without anyone batting an eye.  If my liver and I were younger and healthier I would be knocking on a Moscow door with my suitcase, ha ha.

I think I am now beginning to understand how differences in political ideology work in practice.  We have seen what life in the USA is like through millions of films and TV programmes, but there has never, to my knowledge been a Russian equivalent.  Or maybe there was, I only recently found out Russia had a Fashion House.  The Russian series about Regina was set in the 1950s/60s, when citizens had far less freedoms than they do today.  The women's wear proposed by the Fashion House, for example, had to be approved by elderly white KGB leaders.  Clothes had to be modest and suitable for the office and the field.  And for the citizens of Russia, leaving wasn't an option.

Through the series there is the menacing presence of the KGB in the background, for all citizens, even the most lowly.  That 'menacing presence' surprised me, because the drama is produced by the Russian Federation.  Excellently, I might add, it is comparable to any Hollywood blockbuster.  This is not a review, though it would be 5 star if it were, for me it gave a glimpse of life for ordinary people under a communist regime, a peep at how in an equal society, some are more equal than others.  The acceptance, by ordinary people, but simmering resentment of the government's rules.  Fast forward to now, I am watching 'SilverSpoon', a new Russian drama, where the hero is the spoiled son of an oligarch.  Yes, indeed, it would appear life in Russia has changed dramatically.   

As always happens when you set out on a journey of discovery, there are things you really ought to know before you go any further.  In this case, the entire origins and history of every European country - methinks this is going to take a while.  Happily, no need for piles of encyclopaedias, there are multiple charismatic and not so charismatic vloggers giving potted histories of everything you want to know.  

Along with everything about Russia, I am also (still) obsessed with the lunacy of Donald Trump especially in this run up to the presidential election in November.  But that I will put in another blog, as I am having difficulty prioritising what outrages me the most.   My kindest wishes to all who pop in, take care.....

Monday 20 July 2020


Remember when Jess Phillips said she would happily stab Jeremy Corbyn in the front?  Imagine if JC had said that about her and the hysteria induced grand mal that would kick off?  I'm not sure any amount of smelling salts would bring her around.  I'd keep her out by playing her own ill informed speeches on a loop. It would be fair to say, few MPs irritate me as much as Jess Phillips, not just her loud geezer bird voice and behaviour, but her narcissistic belief that only her opinions matter.  And worse, she portrays herself as an expert on subjects she clearly knows very little about.

Now she has written an opinion piece on Johnny Depp's libel case against the Sun, where she has, not surprisingly, taken the side of Amber Heard (the woman involved) and err Rupert Murdoch and The Sun. Of course pretendy feminist and pretendy defender of abused women, Jess Phillips felt the need to throw in her two penny worth by portraying the stunningly beautiful and successful actress Amber Heard as a victim of domestic abuse.  Portraying Amber Heard as the victim, demonstrates just how little Jess Phillips knows about domestic abuse.  Most victims of domestic abuse are trapped - they have nowhere to go, no money and usually babies and children they must protect.  They don't have access to multiple mansions or private planes at their disposal.

Jess Phillips has with her opinion piece, made two huge 'Trumpian' errors.  Firstly, with her high profile in the Labour Party as a spokesperson for women and domestic abuse, it is appalling that she wrote about a domestic violence case without reading or knowing the basic facts that led to Johnny Depp's libel case.  Victims of domestic abuse for example, don't usually stub out cigarettes on their partners, chop off their fingers or shit in their beds.  Phillips either doesn't know about all these incidents or it's part of her coverall generic 'it doesn't matter what a women does'.  Phillips complains that Amber (the victim) is having her name dragged through the mud by a libel case in which she is not personally involved.

Well ahem, ahem Jess, why do you think Johnny Depp is bringing this libel case?  Take a minute.  Yeah, you got it, Amber Heard with her false accusations dragged his name through the mud with lies.  Arguably, she destroyed his 'A' list career.  Should we all just ignore that bit, say it's OK to destroy a man with heinous accusations of physical abuse, even if the man is completely innocent?  Is the man not allowed to defend himself even if his career and livelihood are at stake?  Fucking good job you're not on a jury you single minded bigot. 

And here is her second great Trumpian error.  Men can be abused too.  Horrifically so, as we have seen in this case.  Johnny Depp should be lauded for speaking out about female abuse against men.  It happens.  Probably far more than is spoken about because men cannot bear the shame of other men, well anyone, knowing that they are being battered by their wives.  No one doubts Johnny Depp's masculinity or thinks him less of a man for tolerating that crazy woman's behaviour.  His strength lies in his not retaliating and I am sure many men can relate to that.

She also commented on the women from Johnny Depp's past such as Winona Ryder coming forward to defend JD's character, dismissing their evidence as irrelevant.  Another sweeping, no room for argument, judgment on her part, displaying her sheer ignorance of human nature and behaviour.  People, predominantly, do not change their basic personality or kind, or unkind natures.  A non violent person doesn't suddenly become violent in middle age.  The evidence of Ms Ryder et al is integral, they knew Johnny Depp intimately, away from the cameras and media.   

Jess Phillips should hang her head in shame for publishing that article without doing any research whatsoever.  She seized on this very public libel trial to defend The Sun (ffs) and to defend a violent woman who's abuse towards Johnny Depp is proven beyond doubt.  At the very least, she should have listened to the tapes before diving in with an opinion based on nothing other than her own prejudice.  Ms Phillips clearly doesn't do her homework and that shouldn't be good enough for an article published in a major newspaper.  

Saturday 11 July 2020


Many thanks JB, you may not know this, but the initials JB mean a lot to me. Whoever you are, many thanks for giving me permission (encouragement) to write freely.  To be fair, the only blocks I had were my own, that fear all writers have, am I giving away too much?  I am worried that some bored student in the future will read my scribblings and wonder wtf was she on?  Today, what I am actually on is a large slice of the Victoria sponge I made at midnight.  And no, whipping cream doesn't whip any faster than double cream.  

Perhaps I am getting bored with this lockdown or, dare I say it, braver.  Braver, because I am becoming more and more aware of my own mortality.  My age, my lifestyle, my misspent youth, my pre-conditions and my sorrow, make me a 'stat' waiting to happen in this pandemic.  How quickly can you go from watching the 'stats' to becoming one of them.  I have resigned myself to being chucked in a mass grave and forgotten forever, which is OK, my last thoughts on leaving this life will be re-uniting with those I love who have gone before and who I know I will meet again. I'm going to ask to be buried, burned, dumped whatever with a bottle opener in my pocket and a tray of vol-au-vents (my fav party food) for the big bash.  I will also ensure I am word perfect on 'Flower of Scotland' and 'Oh Danny Boy'.  

Now, what does it matter if my present day readers think I'm nuts, in fact it is more crazy for me to think any of them consider me sane. My multiple personalities are all over this blog which is irksome because I consider the multiple personality diagnosis nonsense. I think we all have multiple personalities we call on to cope with different situations.  Mine are perhaps more pronounced, and some are completely spooked by them. I remember meeting the first love of my life in the early 70's whilst wearing a very feminine,vintage 'Biba' dress with a sweetheart neckline and puffy sleeves. As I walked into a pub to meet him on our first date, he almost fell off his barstool.  I had opted to go full 'punk rocker' and looked nothing like the sweet, girly girl in a flowery frock he had met two nights before! Happily, once he got over the shock, he took it all in good humour, or more accurately, he spent the entire evening taking the pee. He was still talking about it when I bumped into him again 20+ years later!

I remember receiving my diagnosis of disassociation, via two independent top psychologists.  They also agreed I was brutally honest (it's beyond my control) and overall a good egg.  It was something I, friends and family had joked about for years and even with a clinical diagnosis, I could not take it seriously.  I have always had an interest in psychology myself, my dad was a psychiatric nurse and we had a lot of text books in the home that I read with great interest from an early age and my dad was a fountain of knowledge.

True when I left the convent, I had an almighty chip on my shoulder, not in any antisocial sense, but a desire, or more accurately an unquenchable need to know and understand what had happened to me.  What drove those nuns and uncles to become the monsters they were?  How did it all affect me?  The latter part I should have discarded entirely, I wasted way too many years navel gazing and tormenting myself. I wasn't weak, I was strong, my spirit wasn't broken, my head was bloody but unbowed.  The answer to the former, I found in the Stamford University (Zimbardo) experiment.  Give one group of people absolute power over another group of people and abuse is inevitable.  The 'guards' were normal, stable students but they became monsters.  In the convent, and I am sure in a lot of religious institutions, the 'guards', the nuns and uncles (the aunties not so much) were religious zealots and fanatics, so the turning into a monster rate was significantly higher.

To be fair I have never, ever, thought of myself as a victim, more a spokesperson, I always feel obliged to stand up for those without a voice, I like to use my gift of the gab for the underdog which, incidentally, is not good strategy in a work situation.  And which reminds me, I must write a blog or chapter about all the times I got sacked or escorted from the building.  All these years later, I can see the funny side.    

Which brings me nicely back to multiple personalities (did you see how I done that? ha ha), getting the sack situations, are in their own way highly comedic.  Not at the time obviously, unless you are as drunk as a skunk as I was on one occasion (I was expecting the call), good for you that is, but not so good if you were a bald headed gropey old bastard with an overhanging beer gut, and a ridiculously inflated sense of self worth etc.  Especially if you take a bow in front of your giggling work mates (ex :( ).  There is something about getting to that 'fuck you' stage, it brings a sense of freedom, a letting go of bonds.  That rush of power the hero gets when he walks away from the building he has just blown up, with flames and fireworks behind him.  'Never seen a sight that didn't look better than looking back', as Lee Marvin scratchingly sang in 'Wandering Star'.  Sadly I have taken those sentiments too literally, and probably too often.  My problem, and yes it is singular, is fear of commitment, and everything considered, even if I had lived in a functional as opposed to a dysfunctional home as a child, my problem (fear of commitment) would still exist, along with all the barmy characters.  I live with it, I feel in recent years I have brought back to life that 'bold little bitch' who wasn't afraid of anything (apart from the virus).  

I don't blame anyone, because blaming other people is probably about the most self destructive thing you can do.  There is no inner peace to be found there.  I don't live like that anymore, and I'm ashamed for the brief times I did.   For some time now, my philosophy has been to  accept full blame for every predicament I have ever found myself in.  Accepting blame for every dumb decision you have ever made is amazingly freeing, it's like putting all your troubles in a balloon and watching them float away.  It's one of those seminal moments, like when Dorothy clicks her ruby slippers and discovers she had the power to go home all along.  Here I will blame  the Catholic Church, lol, only joking, but their policy is to tell small children they are sinners who must pay for the original sin of Adam who accepted a (wink, wink) bite of that hussy Eve's apple, for, err, the rest of their lives.   Just saying.  Enter the devil, in female, or serpent form, tempting you away from your Godly straight and narrow path.  It wasn't me Gov, it was that rather alluring young lady over there who's divine legs distracted me whilst driving.  She's the one who should be charged.  

Most people blame their parents for a lot longer than they should, for the mistakes that they themselves had made.  Even though there is something a tad ridiculous in blaming your parents (or nuns) for your hangups in your sixties, actually after 40 is pushing it.  Multiple personalities are not a hindrance, they are an advantage.  Don't we all want someone stronger than us to fight our battles?  Are we aware that the hero and heroine have been within us all along?  We see acts of bravery all the time, often from people we least expect it from.  I once went through a phase of reading every story of heroism I could find.  It helped that my dear old dad used to buy me a monthly subscription to Readers Digest.  I hoarded them and read them over and over.

But back to those multiple personalities.  Whilst I mostly poo poo a clinical diagnosis. I have experienced, in times of extreme stress, feelings of transformation.  I can hear my words speaking, but they are detached from myself, it is quite disorientating.  It is the 'coper' within me who steps forward to take charge.  I haven't met her myself, but she is described as 'formidable', which I quite like but also a bit of bitch, which I like not so much.  A Judge, two psychiatrists and a court room full of people actually witnessed a 'transformation', before their eyes.  Not only did my character change, but so too my stance, my attitude and even my skin colour.  The prosecutor had asked 'how someone like me' knew a word like 'malevolent'.  Provocative or what huh?  He may have directly wounded my inner 'Mrs Bucket', but my dignity was in fighting mode.  Again, it was one of those 'wish I had been there' moments, all I could recall was the clear, articulate voice I had practiced over and over aged 13, to do a bible reading in church.  It also won me a 'Speakers Badge' in Guides.

Despite all the above, I would still dispute the evidence and my own experiences.  I think we all have the power to transform in a 'deer in the headlights' moment and we don't know beforehand how we would do it. In addition, if those psychiatrists had taken into account all those psychology books I had read since childhood.  I am not saying I did, but I may have registered the symptoms, subconsciously and adapted them to myself.  I see that is possible. There is also my penchant for taking on the characters of the books I was reading at the time, what impact did that have?.  I was an emotional volcano while reading the Brontes, and an absolute she-wolf when I read Gone with the Wind.  For posterity, I was the downtrodden Jane Eyre alternating with Joan of Arc while in the convent, that could be read as when the disassociating began, but more likely it was because there were very few female role models in those days.  A shame I didn't discover Boadicea and Buffy the Vampire Slayer didn't come along until decades later.  

To be honest I think having multiple personalities is a good thing, I'm looking forward to the day I can waive my 'Nuts' certificate in front of a Judge and claim 'see it wasn't me'.  I jest of course, even the fiery selves aren't lawbreakers.  But if you could change your personality along with your outfit, wouldn't that be a good thing?  And don't we do that anyway?  Is the you, wearing a scruffy old dressing gown, with two days of popcorn and Maltesers caught up in your unbrushed hair a fag hanging out your gob, and odd socks, the same person as when you are wearing a power suit, a well groomed updo and Jimmi Choos?  The two can co-exist within one person.  I laughed my head off when I read of a cyber Court trial recently, in the US, where the Judge ordered Counsel for the Prosecution to get out of bed and dress appropriately for a Court room.  Do we see ourselves in the same way that others see us.  I think the answer is probably no, like when you hear your voice recorded and wonder, do I really sound like that?  I think I am absolutely charming, but even in the real world, there are some who don't see me that way.    

I have waffled, but I hope that I have struck a chord with those who suffer from depression, bipolar and disassociative disorder, in fact anything coming under mental health problems.  Sometimes problems are not quite as awful as we think they are.  And labels shouldn't be, because that's all they are.  We are all much too complex to be summed in two word descriptors.  Those of us who's moods go from dancing among the clouds to wanting to tie a noose around our necks in some rain filled gutter know joy and sorrow too acutely. We know a steady stream of calm water, devoid of turbulence and ecstatic highs is more conducive to good mental health, but does it produce the same artistic heights as those of the most tormented writers, painters, musicians, comedians?  Besides, it is beyond our control.  What happened after Kubla Khan built his 'caves of ice', who knows? Mr. S.T. Coleridge conked out on opium.  I actually think I was a stroke of genius, write your own ending.

My kindest wishes to all those who look in, whether you are new to my blog or a regular.  I do appreciate knowing that my voice is being heard somewhere.  My biggest transformation came when I went into higher education as I was pushing 40! That was life changing and a blog for another day.  I would love to say that I am now enlightened, but I am still on the rocky road, albeit today it is lined with a very fluffy sponge cake oozing whipped cream and blackberry jelly (homemade).  I texted my neighbour to see if she wanted a slice and she replied 'do you know what fucking time it is?'.  It was 1.40am, Oops.  Anyway, take care everyone, wear masks and keep your distance.  If you have avoided Covid-19 this far, carry on doing what you are doing.  The survivors at the end of all this, will be the strong, the immune and those who kept the virus at a distance.  It will be that stage of 'Walking Dead' where Rick et al, are still finding survivors in hotels and food warehouses.  I jest, enjoy your weekends :)