Friday, 25 July 2014

DEAR CRISTOBELL - the alternate advice column

From:  Iris Wotthefucksheupto

Dear Cristobell,

My husband has started to act most peculiar in the bedroom. During our err, intimate moments, he growls as if he were a lion. A sort of long drawn out grrr before he pounces on me. I am a sensitive woman and see this as display of machismo, so I try not laugh, although all my mates think it is hilarious. However, I do not wish to hurt his feelings but he has taken to sneaking up behind me and purring in my ear, at the most unexpected moments. There was a very unfortunate incident with the Sunday Roast. Can you advise:

Cristobell Reply:

You are indeed a sensitive woman Iris, apart from the mates bit. Whilst, I applaud your compassionate nature - laugh you must. Failure to do so could lead to all sorts, such as the Silverback chest hammering, or crotch grabbing accompanied by a grunt. It is not to be encouraged, you are a lady!

But I sense you are concerned he might eat you.  Perhaps he is turning into a werewolf?  Check the back of his hands - you are looking for extra hair, you should also take a close look at the top of his feet. Has he allowed his toenails to grow? Do his arms seem a little bit longer? Does he howl when there is a full moon? We already know he salivates at the sight of meat, or was it a vegetarian nut roast? A crucial question, a nut roast would rule out the whole need for a demon hunter and a silver bullet, always a big investment.

There are of course, alternate ways to handle the situation. You could join in the game, if he wants to be cat, you be a dog? Try barking at him ferociously and see if he jumps on the sideboard. I’m not into role playing myself, playfully tell a guy he looks cute with your lipstick on, and the next thing you know he’s dressed up in your basque and stockings. 

Once you have ruled out the whole demon thing, there is no need for further action, and who knows, grrrring might be fun!

No comments:

Post a Comment