Friday 11 May 2012


I used spend my days arguing online with cantankerous, menopausal old biddies who haven’t got better things to do.  I am of course myself a cantankerous menopausal old biddy wasting time, but I have decided to forgive myself for it.  The days of a priest dropping by unexpectedly and noticing a fag burn on the sofa or the tea stain on the kitchen floor have long gone.  Unfortunately, we catholics still torment ourselves over things like that.  As kids cleanliness is drummed into our heads and even a lobotomy wouldn’t be able to extract it.  Dusty skirting boards or an unmade bed equal a ticket straight to hell.  That terrible shame of  being caught with a layer of dust you could write your name in, or cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, haunts you forever.  Of course, the guilt is easy got rid of.  You simply have to say a couple of Hail Marys and then run round the house with a box of cleaning materials.   I find the boxes that hold bottles are the most convenient as you can carry your wine with you to each room.  By the time you reach the loo, and have to get down on your hands and knees to reach the lower cistern (where does all that dust come from?) you are on your second verse of Honky Tonk Angels and you don’t give a fuck.

Of course this method is not fool proof.  There are some days when you never get beyond the second room, before a) chatting on the phone to your equally sloshed best friend for the next 3 hours, until you get to the point where you confess that you did in fact sleep with her ex, trip over the hoover and inadvertently have a slug of CIF, before having a nap on the landing.   Of course, when this  little memory hits you the next day, you have to begin steps one and two again, this time with the aim of cleaning the bathroom, whilst suppressing the urge to scream ‘what have I done?’ at the top of your voice.  

I know some would say there are good reasons to rotate the cleaning of the rooms, and I see that argument, but I actually find the acoustics for Honky Tonk Angels work best in a bathroom and as the final room, it’s handy if you want to chuck up or cry which of course you will want to do when you remember what you said.  If your house is Semi spotless and you are a catholic, the chances are you are a total alcoholic. 


  1. Brilliant as always x

  2. LOL Keep 'em coming xxx


  3. :-) now your the sort of person I would like to visit Bell.. nowt wrong with a bit of dust.. or a few cobwebs.. and I would add the rolling stones paint it black for houswork.. as for the priest your right they did control a lot of famlies and up unto not so long ago.. my Irish granny in Scotland cleaned from morning to night.. then they say she got changed and was very flamouant.. church on a Sunday and if you missed the priest would come and knock on the door.. she took her life at 52ys old they blamed the priest for that.. never proven.. all a mystry.. the Caholic church has a lot to anwer.. xx

    1. The power of the priest is not to be under estimated Sue. In catholic communities they are revered. In Ireland, I wasn't allowed to take my toddler son to mass in case he made a noise, because they would have all been pulled up for it. I didn't want to go either, but it was compulsory!

      My mother often spoke about the Priest calling for money and produce from the farm. She and most of her siblings did not have shoes, but she would watch my grandmother handing over what they had to the well fed and well heeled priest. When she was nearing the end, I asked her if she wanted a priest, I thought she might have had one of those epiphanys, but she told him to fook off and used what little strength she had to throw her cup at him.

  4. bell you are taking the micky, arent you? wink, wink.
    i thought you were an an atheist? for yonks and yonks.i dont get your take on being a catholic at all.
    how long ago since you chatted to a priest.?lol
    i attended mass today, where the lovely priest talked about love.
    lots of the older generations of men didnt actually say the word love, one knew one was loved by actions.
    many dads and husbands just did everything they could for their wives and children, words didnt come easily to the, thats just how some men are.... dont you agree?
    now bell im much older than you,i remember families and local priest differently.
    i remember our priest send out townfolf to help farmers to save the crops b4 the weather would change.
    i remember priests offering financial help to any family whose breadwinner suffered ill health..
    yes, many bad and totally rotten ap[ples...but dont diss theholy men, they were many.

    1. Always taking the mic Bree, lol. Sometimes I am an athiest, for a while I was an anti-theist, but I have also been an agnostic and a buddhist.

      Unfortunately the catholicism is pretty much wedged into my psyche.

      Many years since I spoke to a priest tbh, I think the last time was when I went to confession in my lunch hour. Unfortunately the confessional box was out of order, so had to spill the beans in a pew, with me kneeling and the priest sat in front of me leaning back and listening with one ear.

      I had about 20 years worth, so it was pretty toe curling, and he gave me a decade of the rosary as penance. I'm not sure if that meant I had to say the rosary ten times, or just 10 Hail Marys and I was pushed for time. Unfortunately, I tripped over a kneeling cushion on the way out and said feck, so my state of grace didn't last very long at all.

      Actually, I will agree with you, not all holy men are bad. Once woke up in hospital with a lovely priest at my side. I didn't know him and he didn't know me, but his kindness was much appreciated.

    2. you know, bell, your humour with words is what is so endearing.i probably couldnt agree with two thirds of what you type..but i do appreciate your writings, they make me smile and you always take criticism in good humour.
      lol i dont think saying the word feck or fuck will get you any less kudos with your god..we all enjoy a good rant and use expletives when the notion takes us.
      my friend went to confessions recently, so that she could accompany her first child with first communion...she told her priest it was 10 years from her last confession..he said welcome back..nothing more.
      some sundays i like to go and listen to my fav priest..his sermons are really inspiring...funnily enough his writings are now censored...but for those of us who appreciate good speakers/holy men..we wont be moved.
      keep up your brilliant bloggs bell

  5. hi sue, your comments are different to what ive always believed to be the supposed real facts.

    you can tell which house a fenian lives in...benweeds grow outside the front door.
    all neat and tidy houses belong to presbyterians.
    they are also the best breadmakers.

    a fenian is supposed to be a slang/derogatory word used in ni to piss catholics off...just read that on google.

  6. I think Bell your view on catholics is at the very least distorted never have heard of or seen any parent be asked not to bring a child to church because it might be naughty, i've seen and heard many a naughty child during mass my own included, I think it was your decision not to take them as you openly admit you didn't want to go, don't blame the priests for your decision. As you were a Catholic at one time I'm sure you heard it said "all are welcome in God's house" that includes naughty children!
    In my church there was a parents room with speakers and windows so you could still hear and see mass but you could take a fretful baby or unruly toddler if need be instead of out to the foyer like most older churches.
    Why blame the priests for your embarrassment at your child's behaviour?? It was up to you to chastise it and tell it to sit quietly during mass.