I used spend my days arguing online with cantankerous, menopausal old biddies who haven’t got better things to do. I am of course myself a cantankerous menopausal old biddy wasting time, but I have decided to forgive myself for it. The days of a priest dropping by unexpectedly and noticing a fag burn on the sofa or the tea stain on the kitchen floor have long gone. Unfortunately, we catholics still torment ourselves over things like that. As kids cleanliness is drummed into our heads and even a lobotomy wouldn’t be able to extract it. Dusty skirting boards or an unmade bed equal a ticket straight to hell. That terrible shame of being caught with a layer of dust you could write your name in, or cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, haunts you forever. Of course, the guilt is easy got rid of. You simply have to say a couple of Hail Marys and then run round the house with a box of cleaning materials. I find the boxes that hold bottles are the most convenient as you can carry your wine with you to each room. By the time you reach the loo, and have to get down on your hands and knees to reach the lower cistern (where does all that dust come from?) you are on your second verse of Honky Tonk Angels and you don’t give a fuck.
Of course this method is not fool proof. There are some days when you never get beyond the second room, before a) chatting on the phone to your equally sloshed best friend for the next 3 hours, until you get to the point where you confess that you did in fact sleep with her ex, trip over the hoover and inadvertently have a slug of CIF, before having a nap on the landing. Of course, when this little memory hits you the next day, you have to begin steps one and two again, this time with the aim of cleaning the bathroom, whilst suppressing the urge to scream ‘what have I done?’ at the top of your voice.
I know some would say there are good reasons to rotate the cleaning of the rooms, and I see that argument, but I actually find the acoustics for Honky Tonk Angels work best in a bathroom and as the final room, it’s handy if you want to chuck up or cry which of course you will want to do when you remember what you said. If your house is Semi spotless and you are a catholic, the chances are you are a total alcoholic.