Friday, 6 April 2012


There's no getting away from it, I really do.  I could phone her at 2.00a.m to tell her how desperately in love I was after a date, then phone  her and drag her out of bed again a week later, weeping and wailing becaused he hadn't phoned me.  She would groan and say 'hang on while I get me fags' and then I would hear her falling over the coffee table trying to find the light, she was a clumsy moo, bless her.  It was before the days of mobiles. Like myself, she knew the situation had to be looked and examined in at least a 1001 different ways:

a) He may have lost his phone (the one hoped for)
b) He may have laryngytus and developed warts on his finger tips
c) He may have left the handbrake off his Lamborgini and invertently broken all
    his limbs, checking out the wiring to his subwoofers (again, we can only
d) He may not have any credit on his phone (not a good sign)
e) He may not remember who you are (also not a good sign)
f) His ex grabbed you by the throat and tried to pull your hair out when you
    went for a wee. should have been a sign.

The list is of reasons why he hadn't called was exhaustive.  We checked out all the phone lines, power cuts and all major and minor world disasters until we were left with the only obvious answer, 'he didn't like me' and that was unthinkable.  How Big Lynn kept her big gob shut, I will never know.  I would do the same for her, I think it was a mutual arrangement.  I remember coming home one night to find her crying over her 6th can of Stella, weeping and singing along to 'I'm Never Gonna Dance Again' by George Michael.  She had just heard her latest love had been arrested on some sort of charge to do with dodgy motors.  I told her to stick with him, he sounded like a good 'un.  Besides, it was always a good idea to have intimate relations with a car mechanic, especially one with missing teeth and a tattoo.  You never know when you might need one.  We were both driving very unreliable bangers at the time.  Incidentally, not a good idea to explain to a woman on the other end of a phone holding a screaming child, that you met her husband once in a night club and he said 'call me at any time'.  I refer you to f) above. 


  1. Bell you have so many edges to you.. that is what makes you unique and the lovely interesting person that you are.. your funny through it all and that makes you a brilliant writer and I see a book for the future here.. I am glad that I met you and I love you because I read what you say and find myself thinking I have felt that or thought that.. you make me laugh and cry and remember things I thought I had forgotton.. xx

    1. Many thanks Sue - it is people like yourself that keep me going. I know that I am hitting the spot because of the amazing response I am getting.

      I have several causes that I am passionate about, not least the lack of understanding of the problems of ordinary people. I don't need smug married, upper middle class journalists telling me to buy economy brands and make my own christmas decorations.

      I write ordinary stuff about ordinary people, because that is what I am, and if that incenses some people, I am delighted!

  2. Aww you have lost a truely good friend Bell.. from your book I can see how she is a big loss in your life.. I lost a friend too who I think about everyday.. the pain has gone but she is always close in my heart.. it was her birthday yesterday.. she was one in million a soul mate that doesnt come along very often.. (((Bell))) xx

    1. I am sorry for your loss too Sue ((hug)) - I think soul mate is about right. I just always though Big Lynn and I would grow old together. We weren't gay, it was just that we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. I just sort of pictured us in a nursing home stealing wine out of the warden's cupboard and having a sly fag in the dayroom.

      She was a big, booming cockney, 6ft tall, with a laugh that would make a building shake. We used to fall out all the time, and could go months without speaking, while knowing that one of us would crack, pick up the phone, and then we would carry on giggling where we left off.