Wednesday 4 April 2012

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Yeh, yeh, I know, its a taboo subject, but one which will increase dramatically as more and more lose jobs and struggle to keep afloat financially and mentally.  Its not so easy to sing 'I got you babe', when you haven't got a fiver for the electric and your other half is still down the pub.

Bizarrely, otherwise sane, intelligent women, and increasingly more men too, stay in relationships that are abusive, miserable, and sucking the lives out of them.   We were all indoctrinated as children to find a partner, build a home and produce and nurture offspring, its our destiny. Men made the rules back in the days of Fred Flintstone, when men selected the hunter gatherer option and women were relegated to the domestic sphere of the cave.  It was carved in stone by a group of neanderthals who had stumbled on some rotting grapes to have with their dinasaur sandwiches.  Whilst admittedly, there was a fair bit of skill and strength required in tracking, hunting and conquering the savage beast, once caught it could provide several roast dinners, a few stews and a hundredweight of bridge rolls.  This of course left said hunter gatherers (HGs) with lots of free time to gather quite a few more rotting grapes and doss around hammering rules into rocks to ensure the status quo.  They tried kicking a rock around but it was too painful for their bare feet - A few million years would pass before the discovery of football boots and the Premier League.  Unfortunately, some of the HGs would overly partake in the rotting grapes and return to the wrong cave.  Which is where we came in.

Back to reality.  Many moons ago, I read one of those 'life changing' books Women Who Love Too Much.  It didn't change my life per se at that time, I was still attracted to mad, bad and dangerous men, but at least l knew why.  It took a long, long time for the wise words of Robin Norwood to make that change, but the words stayed with me forever.  You need to like yourself, then find someone who likes you too - Ok, that might not be the exact quote, but the simple message was there.  I believe that those caught up within violent relationships have to change themselves.  

I once worked voluntarily for Women's Refuge.  I think its something most of us who come out the other side, feel a need to do.  We want to speak to those silly little lasses, and drum some self esteem into their stubborn little heads.  We know that they will return to the abuser again and again, and if not that one, they will find another one who is equally as bad, or they may even up the ante.  Their need of course stems back to childhood, and as Robin Norwood said, they need to recreate the trauma from their own childhood again and again, so they can make it right this time.  It is a hard cycle to break, and of course, some never do.  I just hope that their families and friends keep a door open for them. 

21 comments:

  1. got my decree absolute today. its took 2 years.ex was making my life hell in the last few years befor he lift me for another women. was trying to conroll me ? plus other things what i wont go into

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    1. Well done you! Now is the time to do whatever you want to do, and be whoever you want to be. Be nice to yourself xx

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  2. Bell, another subject that needs brought out on here...never having experienced violence in my childhood (except for the odd clip round the leg from my mum---well there were 6 of us) and 44 years ago having met mr annie, who turned out to be a modern man even in todays world and on the whole a pussycat.. he used to joke with me and say he was off out to kill a bear and when he got back I could skin it...cook it and feed him..and then make him a coat and if there was anything left over I could make myself a pair of shoes...we both used to laugh at it but it made me realise that is exactly the mindset of some men..like the lion pride the men eat forst and then the lady cats and then the cute kiddies...fortunately today we have equal rights to bump him outta the way and quote "Ladies first" but with divided responsibilities we have two income families and yet the mindset of some men who have stayed in the stone age and see their partner as a posession and being physically stronger than most woman the physical and mental torture toward some women is accepted by some women as "the norm" there is no need to stay with a creep (whether that be man or woman) these days..they have police protection and help with refuge's and council housing and allowances from the goverment...if they dont want to be hit or mentallyabused they MUST LEAVE, if they have kids they need to protect them at all costs...it's never been easier to break away from violence in the home, it's never been acceptable but we didn't have cavemen police back then and now we have everything in place for a woman or man and their family to make a new life for themselves without violence.

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    1. I love your take on the battle of the sexes Anne! Having a laugh together is the best thing. Its people like yourself who show that it is possible to have a healthy relationship.

      Unfortunately, we are still indoctrinating our children to accept traditional roles without question. I would be astonished if I spoke to a little girl who doesn't love all things pink and wants a Cinderella wedding like Katie Price. As an old feminist, I despair.

      Of course, it is all about education, but perhaps even more importantly, it is about self-esteem, and they can only get that from those who love them.

      Agree, it is much easier to get out now, although I fear that in the current climate Refuges are full to bursting. It is important for families in these circumstances to keep lines of communication open.

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  3. Congratualtions annoymous on being in control of your own life again...dont EVER let anyone control you agaain..there ARE some good'uns out there.....
    P.S I forgot to sign my name to the long) comment Bell..soz...posted before I realised I'd left it off...Annie

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    1. its denise only way i can get on here, my kids and friends have help me alot .

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    2. Well Denise...I'm so glad you got away from your ex..and it's official..Bell is right about self esteem ...teaching your children they can be who they want to be and if thats the Prime Minister then good for them...more importantly is telling them they are wonderful and really praising what they're good at..I have 3 sons (now in their late 30's & early 40's) and all of them changed nappies and fed babies and cook and help clean and go shopping..in fact at times they do the shopping..they certainly never see themselves as anything other than equal to their partner,(my daughter in laws all work) they dont even have "my money or your money" it's all their money and whoever needs gets it...it does start with your kids...
      tell them they are wonderful and handsome/beautiful and talented and clever and tell yourself YOU ARE TOO..everyone is valuable and makes a contribution to society
      telling them that boy/girls have feeling too and treat them the way they would treat you if you was their age now ..it's good to think of others before yourself SOMETIMES but always consider yourself and whether your happy doing it or you'd rather do something else...
      I htink you made the best move ever and that takes such courage...as well as the obvious reasons there is feeling you might have had for him...but knowing when the living was worse than the loving him takes a lot of courage...good for you Denise..........Annie.

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  4. I am always thinking of my kids and overs, my ex was a controll thingy. did some things to my daugther, what i wont go into. And trying to turn the rest of my kids aganst me. duets Ted is my rock. many a time i nearly walked out to keep my santy. I did look poorly when the ex left me to live another women . I am looking better now, I dont know if ted stil loves me all not? All i got to lookforward to now is work and sleep . And helping my kids out if they need it?

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    1. No, no, no, you have so much to look forward to! Now is a good time to look at the courses available at your college for September. Learn to cook Chinese, draw or paint, study literature, go after the career you always wanted.

      I remember going to a student awards ceremony where a delightful 90 year old gained her degree and won Student of the Year.

      Kids are wonderful, but you deserve a life too!

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    2. I would love a life but always to tired out back and forwards to school 3 jobs have to work 31 hour week carnt aford to be off ill any more olny have school holidays

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    3. I sympathise Anon, I was a single mother and I too was caught up in a similar cycle. Its important that you make time for yourself though, even if it just means lying in a bathful of bubbles for an hour listening to Madam Butterfly or Emminem.

      Avoid songs like Stand By Your Man and D.I.V.O.R.C.E though, cause that just makes you hit the gin and the daily plod is lot worse with a hangover.

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  5. Hi Bell.. have been reading but havent had time to reply to say what I want.. but just quickly in a nutshell I like what Oscar Wilde said and it is kind of me....

    "My great mistake, the for which I cant forgive myself, is that one day I ceased my obstinate pursuit of my own individuality."

    I will be back soon.. :-)

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    1. Hi RSue, always good to see you. Great quote from Oscar Wilde. Women rarely pursue their own individuality. Our time is taken up by caring for kids, grandchildren, and our parents. We do it willingly of course, but remember the words of Virginia Woolf, all a woman needs to write is 'A Room of One's Own'.

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  6. I Have to go back to work in augst all i wont get paid.

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    1. Ahh Anon, let me refer you to bubble bath above and maybe a CD of female power anthems? Sisters are Doing It for Themselves, or I Will Survive, any more suggestions anyone?

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  7. All we need is love love love

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    1. I think that song would work on the marijuana thread too.

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  8. My partner gambles and lies to me. I would rather he be seeing another woman. He is dragging me down so much.

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    1. Never let the hand you hold, hold you down. I'm afraid I don't know the original author of that, but mark those well.

      Detach yourself from the situation momentarily, and think clearly and honestly. Only you can know if your partner can ever change and only you can know if you can tolerate a life like that for evermore? More importantly, do you want to?

      We know from some of the other lovely ladies from the YGL that there are good men out there and happy relationships do exist.

      It may be possible to fix the relationship you have, only you know the answer to that. As much fun as the bad boys are, they don't offer much in the way of security for the future. I would like Sharon Stone (same age, doh!) if I hadn't decided to hang on in there.

      I have never been directly involved with a gambler, unless several weeks dating a very successful racing punter counts, but can only imagine the stress must be horrendous. I had a friend whose partner lost their entire spending money on the first night of their 2 week holiday, when he went get a packet of fags!

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    2. Oops, that didn't come out right. The 'successful' racing punter only told me about his winnings, not his losses. I actually dumped him, not because of his gambling, I knew little about it tbh, but because he was a horrible man.

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    3. sounds like my ex he was twisterd

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