Thursday 29 March 2012

CRIPPLING DEPRESSION

This is a subject I have wanted to write about for a long time.  More importantly I wanted to create a forum where people could discuss the subject openly without fear of ridicule or shame.  A subject where those who suffered from it could 'share' and discuss symptoms and well tried and trusted ways in which to climb out of that particular black hole, and for those fortunate enough to be 'well' , they could perhaps gain some understanding,  Officially, the figures are, I think, 1 in 4, but personally, I think it is much higher than that.


 
For some it becomes crippling.  I have never made a secret of the fact that I suffer from bi-polar and multiple personalities (eat your heart out Stephen Fry!)but unfortunately the bigotted and uneducated, made such a mockery of it, that from then on depression and anything negative became taboo. We all had to have perfect lives, with perfect families, perfect friends, no marital or money problems, lol, and ideal children and live in a village called Stepford.  We couldn't dare say 'its fecking mother's day, I should not be out here in the kitchen making homemade yorkshires (because they can tell the difference you know, I once tried to get away with Aunt Bessy's, but I was caught) - but I digress, just have a good moan about the lazy little feckers, but you couldn't dare, because some old trout would say 'its your own fault because you smoked weed in the house'. 


Maybe, thats why we were all so aggressive, we needed an outlet, but were never really allowed to speak without the censorship of that little gang of rottweillers, here it is ok to say you have the shins of a female oranatang because you haven't shaved them since last October.....  or whatever....


I am hoping this blog can be interactive.  There is an option to post anonymously -even I will not know who you are.  








Ps.  You would think I would know how to spell Orangatang, I just luvvvve that word, and will give a gold star for best use of that word in any reply......  







23 comments:

  1. The bi-polar one was always the rottweiler. No-one else.

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    1. To be honest that isn't worth a star at all. Little thought to it, and you didn't even use the word organgantng!

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  2. I haven't a clue how your blog works,Bell bu I DO! enjoy yourpesonal observations on "THIS LIFE"!

    Cherub132

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  3. There's many a day I could happily stick my head in the oven, and probably would if I could be arsed to clean it. Just don't want to be discovered with a couple of old chips and a bit of pizza in me hair!

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  4. You are doing fine with the posting Cherub, and lovely to see you here!

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  5. I don't know enough about depression to comment on it properly, I have had panic attacks in the past which were quite frightening, like sitting with your back to the sea and not being able to see the wave when it comes and hits you.

    I know its to do with a chemical imbalance but not sure how they test for that or when you would know to look for help, I get down days when I cant be bothered to do much of anything but have always assumed most people are like that, I think if I started hearing voices then I might realise I needed help but by that time would you be too far gone to care, is it normally other people who push you to get help because they pick up on abnormal behaviour or do most sufferers recognise that something is wrong themselves.

    I used to be one of those people who would have said "pull yourself together" but after having the panic attacks and knowing there was sod all I could do to stop them it made me have a bit of a rethink, to be honest though I'm still not sure if some people use depression as an excuse to wallow, having said that if someone is in the frame of mind to need an excuse is that in itself a symptom, I hope some people will be brave enough to tell their stories but I hope they remain anonymous just in case.

    As for using the word orangutan the only thing I can come up with is "orangutan me lord" crap I know but cant think of anything else lol.

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    1. Hi Bev,

      Many thanks for your honesty, much appreciated. Your first paragraph with the waves and the loss of reality, sounds so familiar.

      I think the problem with depression and mental health problems is the fear of discussing them. The truth is, there is no REAL criteria for judging, even with the advanced knowledge they have now, People are much too individual to be categorized. I remember people speaking quiety about old Mrs so and so, down the road and was carted off with a nervous breakdown. I have spent my entire life researing into what equates to a breakdown?

      As to knowing you are not well. In my experience, I don't think you do. You withdraw from the world, ignore post, ignore the phone, like Greta Garbo, 'you want to be alone'. My saviour, sanity, has been my ability to engross myself in reading/writing, anything to stop my brain whizzing with every heartbreak I have every had. Then you acquire a very real fear of ever going out again. You get beyond the point of apologising for your lack of communication..... you become a prisoner of your own overworked and exhausted mind. I don't think there is a snapping point as such, more a gradual wearing away.

      I don't know about the excuse for wallowing. I think we all deserve/need days off. Days when we do not have to run around after other people and even as we get older, that never seems to happen. We have elderly parents to think about, kids still to worry about, and then their kids too. We never get any 'ME' time. And when we do, we don't know what to do with it. We immediately have to strike off people we want to see, on the basis that we haven't hoovered for a month, and we can't for the life of us, remember what our last conversation was about.

      You get a gold star for the post, but quite frankly, the orangatang joke was a bit lame!

      Ps. I am actually quite chilled, so I did giggle

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  6. I wish I was an Orangatang someimes. Living and breathing the same air day in day out is bad enough but lying awake at night next to an Orangatang who's arms flay and feet kick wondering what mental torture I will endure the next day. I'd rather sleep next to an Orange!

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    1. FIVE GOLD STARS!!!!!! Will have to rethink marking system, hmmm, on a scale of 1-10, it would be a 10, or better still, An A Star!

      I think I may once have slept night after night next to one of your own primate's cousins? And I never did get him housetrained!

      Ooooh no, much too healthy, I have always found the banana to be the most fattening of the fruits, unless anyone knows different? Also vis-a-vis, the orange - so messy in bed! I now have to go without vitamin C, because I am too lazy to peel and I just can't bring myself to pay the extra for segments. Doh!

      Ps. Ignore above if it is a Chocolate Orange.....

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  7. Bell I grew up with my dad who suffered with depression and his mum she committed suicide.. runs in the family on that side.. I have been there too but somehow reading and understanding that its ok to be there at certain times in life.. and enjoying your own company helps me.. time to listen to that inner voice.. to write poetry.. keep a diary.. to walk the edge.. to find a friend to trust.. orangutan.. cant think of anything other than I am thinking do the funky gibben.. lol.. xx

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    1. Hi Sue, my own beloved dad was crippled by it. He was a wonderful man, got to the top as a psychiatric nurse, but fought that 'black dog' all his life. It was heartbreaking to see. However, he had developed coping mechanisms. He always had hobbies, be it, drawing, making works of art out of matchsticks, or dedicating his life to spreading the great news that vinagar cures everything. The day he died I got an email from anonymous using those exact words. Go figure.

      Hobbies are a great release and I always want to share the joy of writing and encouraging others to write as well. When I first started my writing course, our tutor told us, that everything we wrote was valid. I was a person who threw 90% of my scribblings in the bin. I would vent my spleen at 3.00am with a bottle of cheap plonk on the go, and scrawl my thoughts down on an A4 student pad from Tesco's. I was a struggling single mum, in love with a lunatic and too timid, or too stupid to change my life.

      Definitely an A star for doing the Funky Gibbon!

      I have learned coping mechanisms.

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  8. Bell I am just on my way to bed but just wanted to say one thing that I have found over the years at times when being down.. I think from my experience they are the times when nothing from outside of me really helped.. no it has been the transpersonal light that is in us all.. in the darkness.. alone on a desert island.. rowing boat far out at sea.. feeling revoved from the world they were the times when writing and reading and being quiet and in that God within us.. I once read these words that are scatched on the walls of one of the basements in a Jewish ghetto in Poland..

    I believe in the sun even when it does not shine.

    I believe in the love even when it is not shown.

    I believe in God even when he does not speak.

    Its words like that Bell that remind me that people have walked before us.. they are been in the darkness too.. profound words.. nite Bell its been good reading your blog tonight.. xx

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  9. I lived with a real life Orangutan or was that Neanderthal? Not much difference really! Both hairy arsed animals! I quite often thought my life would be far better without him or I in it, so many dark days to try and get through putting on a face not letting the outside world know how much I was screaming inside. If someone had told me I could be married yet feel so alone I'd have said they were mad! Days spent wondering why had my life come to this, surely I deserved better, I wasn't a bad person unless you count wishing the neanderthal would disappear and never come back? I remember looking in the mirror and the reflection wasn't the carefree happy go lucky girl I once knew it was that of a grey, old woman with dead eyes, there was no sparkle, how could others not see this? The voice inside me shouting louder "get out!" what did it mean? Leave this life or the situation? I chose the latter, those dark days that I had thought were just days were infact years, wasted years but the sparkle has returned and just now and again I catch a glimpse of the girl I once knew.

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    1. So much there familiar to others I am sure. Thank you for sharing.

      I am delighted the sparkle has returned, we stars should demand our right to twinkle.........

      Oh, and definitely good use of the word orangutang, gold star awarded!

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  10. Mental illness can be there through an third party reason in your life or for no outside reason at all..the problem is there is no scar to see other than inside, and no-one can see that..it's hidden and only the sufferer knows it's there..it's no use saying to "pull yourself together" that is a total insult to the sufferer who is presumed to be able to switch it on or off whenever they are told to "pull yourself together" people with everything good in their lives can suffer depression...people with nothing in their lives can suffer it too, no rhyme nor reason to it other that it's there..blighting people's lives and sucking out hope of an end to the nothingness they feel....I have been fortunate in I have always had what some would deem a "sunny disposition" and been lucky in my life that I always had someone to lean on if I needed it ...but I have watched my sister's life (a very clever woman) flit from highs to lows but mainly lows..and only at the age of mid 50's did she find the right medication and support and a wonderful partner/ now husband.. who she can depend on to help her through dark days (she had never had a partner or lover in her life before) his name could be her OTang-u-rang (I KNOW IT'S BACK TO FRONT) nowadays she has more happy days than grey days and more grey days than black nothing days...I think the thing to remember is that no matter how valueless someone feels there IS ALWAYS SOMEONE who loves them..who cares what happens to them..sees them as a person and a human being and are glad to know them. Annie..x

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    1. Annie, that is a lovely reply thank you. And wonderful to hear that it is possible to come through it and find happiness.

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  11. I should have added that when someone steals the spark of life from another person like a previous poster wrote ...they were robbed of joy in their soul...they commited a heinous crime towards that person and if there is now a spark of who that person used to be then they have fought back and regained THEMSELF...they have reclaimed the space they lost through cruelty and loneliness and are on the way to being the person they were before..it ALWAYS belonged to you from the moment of your birth and was only lost for a while..now your stronger and can see what they did to you I dont think it will ever be taken away again.

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    1. Great post! I totally agree. I think we can all regain the sparkle, that child we were and the person we were mean't to be. Thank you.

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  12. Bell looking back over my life.. the things that depress me the most are bullies or people that are so up there backside.. that depresses me.. people like that I dont want to be around.. people that think they are the big controller.. well not of me.. only trouble is with the way I think it means that I will always be a black sheep.. out of the crowd.. so what makes the world tick.. I think it is the bitches.. those that just cant see when people have a say.. but at the end of the day it dosnt matter.. not really.. so all I would say to those that think they have it all wrapped up.. up yours and watch out because one day you might be down and not the big controller.. lol.. xx

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    1. People who are individual, who stand out from the crowd will always be the subject of attack sadly. The sheep like everyone to be like themselves.

      I am going to come back to this shortly Sue, as it is subject that deserves more debate.

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  13. Sue, I think your asking for understanding for people feeling down and depressed...people react in different ways to stress and depression..some say nothing and some say a lot and some kick back and some blow a fuse...like I said...no-one sees the scars. Controlling..bullying...a person only gets bullied or controlled if they let the person do it...and sometimes the emptiest boxes make the most noises.

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  14. I just think no one realy cares about me

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    1. IF THEY REALLY DONT CARE THEN THEY ARE THE LOSERS..Care about yourself..value yourself..in the grand scheme of things, we're on this earth for a very short time ..use it wisely and do your best to ENJOY the ride..tell yourself your deserve it and WANT it..the very first person who should value and love you is yourself...we're only human and make lots of mistakes...some minor ones and some whoppers..forgive yourself and move on from it..you owe it to you...Annie x

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